I learned the hard way that love is not enough to make a relationship work. It came as a complete shock to me, because I had been raised, and believed my whole life, that like Virgil said, "love conquers all". That is so absolutely false. I really think that people who spread this notion are responsible for the size of current divorce rates. So many people marry - seeing before them all the problems with their relationship - thinking that these problems will eventually fade or be overcome, if only they love each other enough. When they realize that love can't overcome these obstacles, they are devastated because they never saw it coming.

I feel absolutely head-first, wholely in love with some one a few years ago. Due to my past, I thrive on stability. The love of my life, needed to be free. The more he fought for freedom, the harder I fought to hang on to him. We could not adapt to the other's lifestyle needs, but the could not stand the thought of spending our lives apart. The result was that we both ended up in the hospital because of the physical illnesses we developed from the stress of our situation. We were both so scarred from the situation, he vowed never to be in another relationship and I vowed never to love again.

However, six years later, and I wear a wedding band.

I married a man who is my polar opposite in personality - I'm impetuous, he's steadfast; I'm creative, he's methodical; I believe in the power of the universe, he's an atheist. But, the thing about that is that he's strong where I'm weak, and I'm strong where he's weak. I wash, he dries, you know what I mean? Together we get things done.

And, despite different personality styles, we have congruent values and goals. We outlined our non-negotiables - you know, the things that you will not bend on: if I cheat, he's gone; if he hits me or our children, I'm gone; but we would stick around to work it out if one spouse developed a feud with the other spouse's parents or siblings. We talked about our needs, our priorities, and our path. We made it work.

Even the religion thing: he's athiest, but we agree that children need religion when they are young, (you can not tell a child who asks, "What happens when we die?", "Nothing. People bury our bodies, where they rot and are eaten by worms."), and when they are old enough to do some critical thinking, they can decide for themselves which religion they will practice, or chose not to practice at all.

So, no matter how controversial, everything is up for discussion. And, if your discussion uncovers congruent values and goals, and complimentary personality styles, I'd safely say your compatibility will keep the odds for success in your relationship on your side.

Learn more about this author, Merri Sharp.
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