4 of 5

Write now Article Tools

Page 3 of 3

stumble outta the bar and see a gang of neds dressed in tracksuits nearby. They're holding cans of cider and Tennent's Superlager and pointing and laughing at me. The oldest one is about 16.
"Oi, ya dobber, wha ya daein' in a dyke bar?" he shouts.
"Aye, he's a poof," says one of his friends and they all start laughing.
I try to tell them what happened using the best "ned" voice I can muster, but I've spent so many years trying to copy the accents from American television shows that I can't speak even a lick of my own accent anymore.

"Uhh, look boyos it's like this, see.."
They all start laughing at me.
"'Boyos?' aye, he really is a poof. A right perv, but."

Then they all start chasing me. The finally catch up with me two blocks up the street and when they do, they steal my trousers and shoes.

It's three am and all the pubs are lettin' out. I have to walk home in my underwear freezing my ass off and people pointing and laughing at me the whole time. Finally, a bum sees me and feels sorry for me, so he gives me a bottle of Thunderbird. He had only had two sips so the bottle's nearly full...full enough for me to forget the rest of my way home.

Anyway, I'm home now. Today, I'm just gonna take some painkillers and lie in bed. It's cold as hell in my sister's basement, so I'm wrapped up nice and snug in my blankets. There's some pasta salad leftover from my sister's party last night so I might have some of that later.

Learn more about this author, Brad Hassebrock.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

• << previous page
• 1
• 2
• 3

Add your voice

Know something about Humor: Jealousy?
We want to hear your view. Write now!