by Rachel Doherty

Created on: November 20, 2007

As she looks at the rain hitting the hospital window, the memories come flooding back. She remembers holding her newborn child in her arms and looking at the rain through another window of the same hospital. At that time, she was a patient in the maternity ward, not the ICU. She had looked down at this wrinkled, wriggly little being and then out at the dull, gray sky and teary-eyed told him, "I know this world seems like a big, scary place, but one thing I can promise you. I will always be here for you."

Back then she did not even know him. She had felt him moving around in her belly for some months, but it felt more like a frog jumping around inside than a real person. Then Jason was born and her life changed forever.

Last night she dreamt about his childhood, about the sleepless nights when only her warm breast could comfort him, about the first time he called Mama and the thousands of times he called on her after that. And she had kept her promise. She was always there for him throughout his childhood, in the difficult teen years, and even into adulthood.

Along with the proud moments also came the regrets. She thought about the time she lashed out at him for some misbehavior (she cannot even remember now what it was) while coming out of the mall. She did not just yell to get his attention, but rather unleashed a truly venomous tirade in which all her frustrations were unleashed on one dumbfounded three-year-old.

She had been pushed to a breaking point that morning: Jason's incessant whining all morning; the argument she had with Kevin, her husband, the night before; the guy who was tailgating her all the way to the store; the rude checkout clerk yapping on the phone; the man on the way out of the store who would not hold the elevator even though she was loaded with packages and had a toddler in tow. She sometimes heard other women engaged in similar tirades in public places, just before she shot them a disapproving glare. That day she was the raving lunatic at the receiving end of perfect strangers' dirty looks.

By now she has long-forgotten all the little annoyances that led to the temporary loss of her ever-cool, laid back demeanor. She could never forget Jason's response, however. He did not have a tantrum or cry out. He just got quiet and had a hurt look on his face. Really still a baby, he was trying to hold back the tears. She feels guilty even still, thirty years later.

Now she looks pleadingly at Jason, as if to say "You're all grown up now. You don't

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