1 of 6

Write now Article Tools

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you decided to share Thanksgiving dinner with us," Miles Standish said to his guests.

"We look at it this way," said Chief Powhatan, "you're about to take our land, our buffalo, and our women and then stick us in reservations in Arizona. The least we can get out of this is a decent meal."

"What kind of people do you think we are?" argued John Rolfe indignantly. "We would never act that way! We will respect your land and your women and never take them!"

"Oh, no?" smiled Pocahantas as she rubbed her leg against Rolfe's.

"On second thought," Rolfe said, "if we're going to take the buffalo we might as well take the land and women also."

"That's horrible!" objected John Alden. "We are not thieves! We will stay where we are and let the Indians do the same."

"Speak for yourself, John," Priscilla Mullins replied. "Personally, there is a little piece of land just south of here that I want for myself. I am going to call it 'Boston.'"

"Boston?" asked Powhatan in surprise. "What do you want with that godforsaken place?"

"I think it would be a great spot for baking beans and banning books," said Priscilla. "We might even start a school or two there. What do you think of 'Harvard' as the name of a university?"

"Personally," said Standish, "I prefer 'Bama.'"

"Don't be ridiculous!" thundered Rolfe. "You can't have 'Bama in the Ivy League. It would massacre Yale in every football game."

"What is a football game?" asked Powhatan.

"It's a game we're going to invent," said Standish. "It's going to have 11 men on each side dressed in helmets and shoulder pads who will smash into each other while they try to move an oval-shaped ball down the field. The most important man in the game will be the guy called the 'bookie'. He will determine the point spread and take the bets."

"That's a silly sounding game," said Priscilla. "You are never going to get any women watching it."

"Of course we will," answered Standish. "The players will be wearing skin-tight pants that will emphasize their rear ends."

"Get me season tickets on the 50-yard-line," Priscilla said hungrily.

"What about dinner?" demanded Powhatan. "Or is that just another lie that you white people have for the Indians?"

"Of course not," said Priscilla. "We have a wonderful dinner prepared. Boiled turkey."

"Boiled?" asked Pocahontas in surprise. "Turkey is supposed to be roasted."

"There's not going to be any roast turkey until somebody gets busy inventing the self-cleaning electric oven," said Priscilla.

"We roast them over an open fire," Pocahontas told her.

"You also live in homes made of animal skins," answered Priscilla, "but don't think that I am going to settle for anything less than a split-level in the suburbs."

"You can't live in the suburbs," Standish said. "They don't exist. We haven't even built any urbs yet, much less suburbs."

"This is a great idea, having a Thanksgiving Day dinner," said Rolfe. "I bet it starts a tradition in the Americas. Every year, families will get together for a fine meal, watch football games, and wait for Santa Claus to end the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade so that the Christmas shopping season can begin."

"That doesn't sound so great to me," said Standish.

"You haven't heard the best part," Rolfe told him. "All the on line casinos will be running special bonuses in the Pilgrims' honor!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Priscilla. 'But why should Thanksgiving Day be restricted to America? Why shouldn't England have a Thanksgiving Day?"

"It will," Rolfe told her, "but it won't be in November. The British will feel that they have a special reason for giving thanks and will celebrate it every year - on the Fourth of July!"

Learn more about this author, Josh Wilde.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Humor: Daily news (11/19/07)?
We want to hear your view. Write now!