by Maximillion Mango-Chutney

Created on: November 19, 2007

Every American house, even the White House (perhaps especially the White House), is literally swarming with millions of microscopic and sub microscopic bugs and mites and other critters that can be the cause of all sorts of allergic reactions in humans and household pets, as well as aggravate already existing conditions like constipation, memory loss, trapped wind, wheezing, conjunctivitis, gingivitis, emphysema, asthma and premature baldness in middle-aged women. However, the minuteness of these creatures makes them extremely difficult to locate and track down. Or at least it has up to now...

Our special correspondent, working under cover and skilfully and undetectably disguised as a dust mite, is now able to reveal that government scientists - most of them former long-term inmates of high-security state-run mental facilities - using leading edge genetic engineering technology, are now secretly working on a way of increasing the size of these miniscule creatures by up to a factor of 10 million, thus making them roughly the same size as the average domestic cat. A terrifying prospect you may say, particularly as these creatures reproduce at a fantastic rate, already outnumber humans by a factor of 200:1 and have a strength-to-weight ratio around 450 times superior to that of humans (which could be reduced to 30:1 taking into account the scaling up factor). And yet the rationale behind this research is that ultimately it is going to make these arthropods, arachnids and insects that much easier to locate, track down and deal with. Plans are already afoot, once the technology is fully developed, to equip every American household (at the moment the experiment will be confined to the US but, if successful, may be extended to the UK) with special weapons such as crossbows, harpoons, flame throwers and wooden clubs to cull these easily detectable but oversized creatures. But the beauty of this new development and the master stroke is, according to a secret source within the high-containment facility, that these animals will be fully edible by humans and taste something like prawn, lobster, crab or crayfish. This could represent a major breakthrough in the fight against world food shortages, another spokesman claims.

Some scientists even assert that these creatures will not prove to be as aggressive or threatening as first feared and may even make ideal and affectionate playing companions or pets for toddlers and children, though they will probably have to be carefully bred and trained and may need to have their legs clipped and their mandibles removed or their fangs filed down to make them safe. In any case, they will bear quite a striking physical similarity to some of the more grotesque and outlandish soft and mechanical toys on today's children's toy market. It must be borne in mind that, allowing for the estimated strength to size ratio, some species (e.g. the flea) will be able to leap as much as 150 feet into the air, possibly resulting in damage to ceilings and roofs and the like, so owners will have to take on board the likelihood that some of these creatures may be high maintenance but will probably in the long term reward the expense in terms of entertainment value.

This correspondent at least finds it refreshing to know that not all government-funded scientific research is a purely academic exercise whose sole aim is to keep scientists in employment without any practical application whatsoever to daily life, but to find authentic and pioneering research designed to improve everyday life in a real way for the general population. We can only stand and await developments with huge interest.

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