You stayed up all night writing your newest masterpiece, then woke up this morning only to have your hopes and dreams crushed. What you thought would be at the top of the heap isn't, and all the while your screen laughs at you:

"34 of 48"

What did you do to deserve such a poor rating? How should you now spend your precious leapfrog? Although there's no way to know for certain, there are a few key reasons why your article may be in the dumps.

1. You can't write.

Sorry to inform you, but that degree in Journalism didn't magically grant you the ability to win Pullitzers, let alone Helium stars. For years, your teachers have inflated your sense of writing, either because you were physically attractive... or just lovably pitiful. Now that you're in the real world (read: the Internet), nobody cares about your feelings. You can barely scrap together a clause, and things like semicolons scare you. Yes, you love writing, but that doesn't mean you're any good at it. I would love owning a yacht- cry me a river.

2. "LOL WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?"

Hey, it happens to everyone. In a typing frenzy, you accidentally hit CAPS LOCK when you meant to type "A" or hit "Tab". Unlike most sane people, however, you never turned it off. Good job. Now everyone on Helium knows that not only are you incapable of forming basic sentences, but you're also severely lacking in manual dexterity. Oh, and if you turned on CAPS LOCK on purpose, congratulations! You just won the Internet Prize for Excellence in Obnoxiousness.

3. Jesus saved you.

No, I'm not going to insult Jesus, the coolest man to ever live, die, and be resurrected. But if you absolutely must write about the Lord, please do it in the Religion channel. As great as it is that you are saved from the influence of the Prince of Darkness, your effluent essay on salvation is not quite relevant to "How to pick the right steak." Additionally, your needless, near-Google-bombing use of the word "Jesus" makes it almost impossible to search for actual articles about Christ on Helium. I tried to look for a story about "Jesus" and "miracles" and got results about "Best ways to remove stains." Please, for Christ's sake, stop.

4. 201 words.

Good job, you've managed to write the absolute bare minimum necessary. Instead of, say, trying to thoughtfully answer the prompt and share your reasoning with the Helium community, you opted for the "quantity over quality" approach of just submitting 9,000 single-paragraph

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