by Adele Gregory

Created on: November 16, 2007   Last Updated: January 08, 2008

Lots of situations can cause feelings of rejection. There are clear events like the breakup of a relationship or not landing a job, and more day-to-day disappointments such as a friend becoming distant or not getting invited to a party. But it's important to remember that in each case you a probably dealing with a more complex situation that you may think.

How things work out is usually a combination of several factors: your needs, mood and expectations, other individuals' needs moods and expectations, and the situation you find yourselves in at the time. What eventually happens is usually down to how these various factors interact with one another. On the positive side, some aspects may have nothing to do with you. On the downside, there are factors which could lie well beyond your control.

In dealing with other people, it's always tempting to use yourself as a guide. But that's not always a good measure. You may know exactly what you feel and want, but the other person might not. You might only stop talking to a friend if you're really angry with them, someone else may withdraw when they're feeling down. So before you conclude that something is a sign of rejection, it's a good idea to consider if anything else might be happening.

Romantic relationships are probably THE most complex set of interactions. There is far more at work than just your attractiveness or compatibility. There's how each of you feels in yourself, what's happening in the rest of your lives, how you each view relationships in general and how ready you are for commitment. There is also how aware you both may (or may not) be of your feelings, how able you are to communicate them and how confident you each feels about your ability to overcome problems. To make matters worse, people who sense that things aren't working will often SEE the problem as all their partner's fault, whether it is or not.

You may never know entirely why someone broke up or why you weren't hired or selected. But one exercise that can bring in some perspective is to write down everything that may have contributed to what happened, including your own part in it. If it was a job, there was certainly whether your experience is relevant and how you performed at the interview. But you'll need to add in who else might have applied at the time. There's also the company culture, personalities and moods of the interviewers. Even the day, time and place of the interview can have an effect. When you write everything down, there may still be aspects which are frustrating, disappointing and even unfair, but not they're not actually rejection.

If you look even more closely at the circumstances, you might also find that getting the job or keeping the relationship going could involve giving up what you really want and need or making compromises that would leave you unhappier in the long run.

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