by Holly Berry

Created on: November 13, 2007

The most supportive thing you can do for a grieving friend doesn't involve flowers or casseroles, although those may play a part. The best way to support your friend during this most difficult time is to follow their cues. They will let you know what they want or need from you if you pay attention to what they say.

If your friend says they just need some quiet time, you must respect that. We all grieve differently. If your friend needs some time alone to let the reality of the change in circumstances sink in, or just wants to cocoon with close family members, your job is to give them the time and space to do just that.

If, on the other hand, your friend is one of those people who is not yet ready to face life alone and wants your company, try to make enough time in your life to see them as much as possible. The closer your friend was to the person they lost, the bigger the hole in their life and the more they may need to depend on you for comfort during this time.

One important gift that you CAN give your friend now is permission to be angry with their departed loved one. I know this sounds like a radical, or even cruel concept. Remember though, that death feels like an abandonment to those that are left behind. Being angry about being abandoned is a natural reaction.

Along with the anger a grieving person feels towards the departed one is the guilt they feel for the anger. By giving them permission to be angry, you absolve them of the guilt. Anytime you can ease a friend's burden of guilt, you are performing an act of grace.

This is a gift that keeps on giving. They will remember what you have said. When they, in turn, are comforting another friend who has lost a dear one, they will be able to recognize the signs of anger at the ultimate abandonment. Your friend will now be able to comfort another person in the way you comforted them. And so, your original gift is passed along.

That is the best thing about this particular form of comfort. Its ability to be given again and again.

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