The night of the incident that later caused my PTSD was a wonderful night right up until I found myself (with my boyfriend) trapped in a dangerous place. I thought I was going to be gang raped. I found myself getting hysterical and I was trying to console myself with the thought that "it is only your body you can survive this" when boom I was no longer in my body. I was floating above my body looking down on the scene. I felt peaceful and unrelated to what was going on down below. I now know that I was experiencing disassociation because my mind could not comprehend the horror I was feeling.

I was only in my 20s at the time and I could not handle the emotions this situation evoked. When I awoke the next morning I felt hysterical again and woke my boyfriend up after just staring at him for a long time. Though I loved him tremendously I knew I just could not see him again for I could not deal with what we had just been through and I needed to just be alone. He was grabbing my leg and saying Don't go as I dressed and bolted out and away.
I never saw him again. He called and I could not even discuss what had happened. I just wanted it over and never to be thought of again.

That was not the way life would have it. Years later I was on a stretcher awaiting a very serious surgery. I had been warned the tumor I had might be rapidly life threatening. I was terrified. I was starting to freak out and upon thinking about the horror of my body about to be cut open I slipped into a post traumatic state and again found myself immersed in the scene of years before where I was trapped and fearful. I guess the current fear somehow triggered memories of that event so that although I had not thought of it in years I was somehow suddenly reliving it. I basically had the event again. It felt so real it was like again my body was totally alert with every nerve straining to escape the danger. The fear was paralyzing. I felt gripped by a fear so terrifying it was like nothing I can even explain.

Then suddenly it was over and I was back to reality. I was aware again that I was on a stretcher out in a hall outside the operating room. I pulled the sheet up over my head for privacy and to calm my nerves. When they rolled me into the OR for surgery I felt so relieved to see the surgeon and I felt totally different from when I had just see him up in my room a short time ago. It was like my mind had been blown out and I was a mere shell of me...

After the surgery when I made it into the bathroom and saw my face in the mirror my eyes looked wild. A few days later a nurse said to me "You look less wild eyed now." So obviously I wasn't the only one who had noticed it. For a while I noticed that I was writing stuff that had words in the wrong place in the sentence. It was like my brain was scrambled. This from someone whose career demanded meticulous use of the language.
I told only my best friend and the surgeon what had happened with the flashback. I had enormous horror that my mind was doing its own thing and was causing trouble.

While everyone else was worried about the tumor (it wasn't cancer) I was just a wreck over having had to relive the worst experience of my life. I hope to never have another flashback. I just don't know if I can endure the trauma again.

I worry so about the soldiers at war now. They are having experiences that may haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Learn more about this author, Madison.
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