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Becoming a step-parent can open a real can of emotional and parental worms. Having been a stepmom for 4 years now, I can offer a few tips that I wish someone had told me:

1. Don't rush physical bonding
When a parent remarries, this can cause many old emotions to resurface in a child. If the new parent tries to immediately step in with hugs and kisses, the child is liable to react defensively with anger and rejection. Remember, this child does not necessarily want a replacement for the absent parent's affection.

2. Don't push being called "mom" or "dad"
Again, the child may resent this replacement of his/her natural parent. While it was confusing at first for my stepson when he had to figure out a way to identify both his biological mom and me, he finally came up with calling his bio-mom "my first mom" and either calling me by my first name or by "mom". Calling me mom came gradually, as he heard my own children calling me mom. Whenever my husband asked his son to call me mom, my stepson would become resentful of the pressure and revert back to calling me by my first name. The absent parent may also resent this "replacement" and tell the child to not call the new parent mom or dad. After a weekend visit to his mom's, my stepson will often call me by my first name for several days before slipping back into the habit of calling me mom.

3. Communicate with your spouse
Children in divorce learn very quickly how to play both sides against each other. You need to constantly check with your spouse to find out if he/she already gave or denied the child permission on something, or you may learn that you said "yes" when the child had already been told "no".

4. Don't feel that you have to buy the child's love
Do not get caught in the game of "I'd like you better if you will let me have _". Children need respect and consistency. They want to know that when you say something, you mean it. Spending piles of money on the child is not going to earn you SINCERE affection or cooperation.

Sometimes being a step-parent can feel like running through a mine field with no map. Just slow down and take your time!

Learn more about this author, Andrea Smith.
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