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Some people do brain surgery.

Some have won Pulitzer Prizes.

I can make farting sounds using only my cupped hand placed carefully in my armpit. Scoff if you will, Gentle Reader, but take a moment to consider how this skill can be applied at a football game to slowly drive rival fans crazy.

Begin by making farting sounds seven or eight times in a row. After each one, take great pains to blame a rival fan as loudly as possible. I have found the following terms most useful:

"Good heavens what have you been eating?"

"Y'know some people actually leave the stands to do that, pal."

"The smoking section is that way, fella."

It helps if you snort loudly after each comment.

You need to realize two things here: first the person in front of you can't go anywhere. They're stuck there for all four quarters of the game. Second: eventually even farting sounds will cease to be uproariously funny. You will have to launch a new strategy.

I suggest that after the eighth rude sound you gently tap the person on the shoulder and apologize as sincerely as possible. (It's possible that they will attempt to ignore you at first, being a little touchy about getting blamed for all the farting sounds. If this occurs, keep tapping their shoulder repeatedly until they turn around.) Offer to buy them a beer to make up for it. Put your very best puppy dog face on and sound sincere.

When the beer comes, "accidentally" spill it on them.

When they get back, apologize again and offer to buy them a hot dog. They will very likely refuse. Try not to be offended.

I am a firm believer in air horns. They pack small and play big. At random times (the key word is random) position the horn close to their ear and "have at her." This will serve to keep the rival fan off balance. They will be completely unable to find a discernable pattern to know when to cringe.

After roughly an hour, I suggest putting the air horn away.

Apologize again.

Sincerely.

Make one or two more farting sounds just to ensure they are still paying attention.

You need to stay quiet for at least five to ten minutes. But clear your throat every minute or so. If the rival fan's shoulders flinch each time you make a sound you have done your job well.

Within the last few minutes of the game start whistling while eating popcorn.

At the end of the game, slap them on the back and say "See you at the next game. You have season tickets too, don't you?"

Learn more about this author, L. Talbot.
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