by Sheila-Ann Bender

Created on: November 06, 2007

For most of us who have an ex, breaking the ice with our ex means bringing an ice sculpture down on their head! I've always been really awestruck over ex couples that can manage to be the best of friends afterward-who actually enjoy sitting down for dinner together and totally support each other when it comes to the discipline of any children they may share together. Yes, these fairy tale ex-couples do exist, but my ex and I certainly weren't one of them-and the fact of the matter is, few couples are.

You just have to face the fact that it's going to be awkward seeing you ex again, at least for the first few times after the break-up. Those first encounters can only be compared to root canals, mammograms and prostate exams. You dread them, but they're just something you 'have' to do at some time or another. If you share children together, seeing your ex again is something that will inevitably happen at some time or another.

Unless the break-up is extremely bitter-something happened that you just can't move past, such as child abuse or infidelity with your best friend-the meetings eventually become more bearable and even slightly 'comfortable'. Root canal visits can become more like annual dental cleanings and check-ups. You don't break a sweat any more, but you don't exactly look forward to them either.

If you have children with your ex, the only successful way to 'break the ice' is to focus on the one thing you will always have in common-your love for the kids. Knowing compatibility with your ex will make their lives a little easier and a whole lot happier is a great motivational tool to get past all the hurt and resentment. Swallow your pride and replace bitterness with their well-being. Focusing on their needs will make those awkward encounters a lot more tolerable.

If you don't share children, but because of employment or mutual relationships (IE family members or friends) social encounters will be unavoidable-just bite the bullet and move forward as best you can. Be civil, but concentrate on other individuals in the room that you have common interests with. Try to forget that he or she is there after you've gotten past the cordial favors, but don't ignore your ex altogether. This is childish and puts everyone around you ill-at-ease. You be the big one-be the first to extend social etiquette. Say, "Hello, Jack, how nice to see you," as if you mean it. Don't linger and risk getting pulled into a conversation you really do not want to have. Simply break the ice and move on about the room, engaging in other conversations you DO want to have.

Remember that it's always wiser to remove a sticky bandage quickly, even though it hurts like crazy at the time. Removing it slowly hurts just as much, but we deceive ourselves into thinking that delaying the process will make the pain vanish. Dreading something is usually worse than the actual experience, so just get that first encounter over with as early as possible. The first time is always the hardest.

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