In the last ten years I have experienced many losses. It is said that the unexamined life is not worth living. At this moment, I wouldn't agree. While an examined life ultimately leads to healing, its initial reaction exposes one to the raw sensitive underbelly of emotions so deep, so kinetically intense that your whole sense of sanity can hang in the balance.

The examined life, examined emotion is a dangerous place. We often live in a world of surface reality, a sort of suburb-like existence like transient people, only touching surface safe feelings and emotions. A world full of love and absent of life's harsh realities. A place called Perfect. Too afraid of our realness. To afraid of where truth can possibly take us.

My losses have almost been too tremendous to bear. The loss of my grandchild to an untimely death, the loss of his unfulfilled potential, the loss of my daughter's presence, her freedom, and mostly the loss of simply stroking her soft face with my fingers. I have sometimes lost the will to fight, the faith to believe and sometimes the will to live. These losses have shattered the very essence of who I though I was, the control I thought I had. These losses have forced me to look at myself with fresh eyes, to shine the laser-light on the real me. Who am I outside of my husband, my children, my family, and my job? Who am I?

The loss of Brandon has shattered my soul. I don't think of him often, and rarely speak of him on purpose because the pain, like a hungry animal ripping the flesh from his very alive, very aware victim, sends me to an excruciating painful, almost numbing place of horror. Like your worst nightmare come true. Brandon was my little prince, my second grandchild - the one that made grandparenthood a reality. I was proud as he pushed his healthy way into this brutal world. I thanked God on high for giving me the honor of being the grandparent to my two little miracles Chanel and Brandon. As I watched that new life scream his lungs clear, I rejoiced in the heritage that he shared with me. This was my descendent. This grandson would know his great-great-grandmother, the woman from whom I have patterned my life. He would know her story, her very essence, and her life. He would glimpse into the life of her parents. He and his sister would be my special ones. But this was not to be. In the twinkling of an eye, he was snuffed out forever.

Gone from my dreams. Gone home to be with God. Too soon.

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