I used to look forward to winter with childlike enthusiasm. It meant snowmen, snowball fights, snow, angels, and best all Christmas. Then I grew up and it started to mean cold weather, snowstorms, shoveling, and having to load the trunk of your car with cat litter, black ice, school cancellations, holiday shopping, and sending out Christmas cards are all things that winter began to mean. I cringe to mention maxing out your credit cards, trying to plan all the holiday gatherings, and family coming into town among all the stresses.

To me however winter means something entirely different now. I used to think it was simply the season that followed autumn and I got to wear the thicker warmer clothes that I prefer. I got to cuddle shoveling favorite book and a dog by my side as a fire warmed me. Then I met someone special. She was everything I had ever wished for.

The season of winter took on a completely new meaning. Daring to enter the holiday crowds was something I looked forward to in order to buy that special gift. Cancellations, snowstorms, and favorite did not bother me one bit. The most important thing though, the thing I looked forward to the most was time with this person. Time became the most precious thing during winter. We only had ten days, and we made the best of them.

The first winter we spent together we would watch snow storms all cuddled up by the fireplace. We would just hold each other and talk about anything and everything. We were at total peace with one another and the security I felt was amazing. Long periods of silence where all we could hear was a crackling fire and the occasional snowflake hitting the window became my favourite moments.

Then there were walks outside holding hands and trying to keep them warm. The impish smiles we shared when something mischievous was being planned, such as snowball fights or wrestling in the snow. As time wore on and Spring began, these feelings would fade, life would catch up with us, but whenever winter approached, they were reborn.

With each winter that passed the time spent holding one another and just sitting in secure silence grew in length. The time spent talking about secrets and regrets increased as we got to know each other on a deeper level. We both felt that we had found our other half. The person who completed us and made everything better with a simple smile or a few quietly uttered words of encouragement. Someone that truly understood us for all our quirks and flaws and yet still hung around to love us.

Winter became the time, the season, whatever you want to call it that defined our relationship. Whenever we were feeling stressed, distant, or just lonely we would ask the other if it was winter yet. It became an inside joke, a way of letting the other know how much we cared. This is why I looked forward to winter.

Now things are different. I am no longer with that person and this will be my first winter without her. I have to find new things to deem important. I have to search for new things to look forward to, new things to get my through a season that I am dreading for the first time in a long time.

I suppose now I am both looking forward to and dreading the memories. I am looking forward to the storms, but knowing I will glance to the empty spot beside me. Looking forward to walking the dog, but feeling empty when there is no surprise snowball fight. I suppose I am really looking forward to winter being over.

Learn more about this author, S.A.Robb.
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