First and foremost, I am a guy. Not just a guy but a guy's guy. I'm that best friend that your boyfriend brings over and you loathe! The one that sits there and watches the game with your buddy when you'd rather he'd go upstairs with you experiencing a little...ahem...afternoon delight. The guy who smashes beer cans against his forehead after emptying them. The guy who tries (in vain) to take your boyfriend out to the stripper bar because it would be GREAT for your love life. Do you know that guy? Yeah that's me.

Okay, let's be honest. You don't like me because I represent all the things you'd like to get your boyfriend away from. I don't like you because you're trying to reform my former beer guzzling, pizza munching, babe slaying partner in crime. Geez! But I digress.

Despite our obvious differences we got one thing in common lady. We both love our buddy. Don't get me wrong. He and I are apes! Still we apes gotta stick together. If you make my buddy happy I guess I gotta give you your props (at least for now). So my fellow primates birthday is coming up and you are clueless as to what to get him. Well sister let me guide you into the mysterious world of us primates. Grab a vine and swing with me Jane. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

1. Season tickets to our favorite sporting events. This is the holy grail of birthday gifts. Any woman who can buy season tickets for us is a goddess and shall be worshiped as such. By the way tickets to the METS means NY METS. Not the Metropolitan Opera genius. Sheesh!

2. Any time of gaming system. Usually the more bloodier the better. You may not like it but your boyfriend has testosterone in them veins! Nothing relieves us more than a shooting aliens bad boy right in the face.

3. Wide screen t.v. This is another no brainer. Why watch the game on a tiny 27 inch when you can have a 65 inch plasma showing you the sweat on a quarterback's face as he gets sacked! Go COWBOYS!

5. Cologne. Only buy us cologne if it guarantees getting you hot and ready for sex. Listen we only wear the stuff if we are sure it's gonna get us laid. Buy at your own risk though!

6. YOU. That's right, I said it. Make the sponge head feel like a king. Dress up in a kinky maid's uniform. Service him. Make him the center of attention for one night. Light candles, wash him, rub him up and down. Fulfill every kinky fantasy. Remember what that chandelier in the dining room is really for: swinging from it!

Okay lady that's enough for you to make a good start. I'll begrudgingly admit you make our buddy a better person. Still don't change him too much. Him being a great big raging ape is what attracted you in the first place! As for me? I'll be around. Especially if you get my buddy that large plasma t.v.!

Learn more about this author, Kenny L. Mitchell.
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