Stuff to do when you can't sleep

So I can't sleep. For nearly a month I've had approximately two to four hours of sleep a night. And while I am primarily concerned with my own insomnia, I recognize an opportunity to share some sleep remedies I've adapted to the condition. By addressing sleep deprivation seriously, I hope to improve the understanding of sleeplessness and its effects on people namely, how stupid they can get.

I am one of those people who requires at least nine hours of uninterrupted sleep each night. Any more leaves embarrassing bed wrinkles all over my face, a strong compulsion to yawn all day and the standard zero tolerance mindset that accompanies "too much sleep." Less than nine hours in a chronological sequence and my biorhythm scale begins to resemble a Riverdance composition.
Anyway, I gave up counting sheep and gave in to creating new and unique ways to deal with the interminable hours between dusk and dawn. I found that our brains work differently at night when they're supposed to be sleeping. Sleep challenged brains pose keen, spirited challenges only a decaffeinated, melatonin-ized consciousness can deliver. Taking advantage of these exclusive opportunities is not only fun, it's an adventure in self-discovery.
But don't listen to me. Find out for yourself. Engage your mind in these and other creative activities the next time you find yourself staring at the clock.
Clean the oven. If the strenuous activity doesn't put you to sleep, the fumes will.
Put curses on people who annoy you because it feels good to make others suffer the consequences of their various intolerable offenses.
Open the stack of mail that has been lounging on the cupboard for the last two weeks. This leads to many surprises, many of which will compel you to go back to bed and try to forget about everything.
Call a good friend in the same time zone and say, "Oh, did I wake you?" Then explain that you were trying to order the "Ab-Roller," from QVC but now that she's awake, what's up? Note: it feels good when you share your sleeplessness with someone you love.
Make a list of 10,000 ways you'd change your life if you could. This should only take a few minutes so you can extend the fun by creating a brand new identity, one complete with all kinds of drama, new relatives, friends with deep personalities and dark secrets, international intrigue and/or a pet goat. Write every detail down so that you don't forget important character traits and personalities. Talk about your new life with your coworkers the next day. You'll know you've achieved success when you hear someone say, "You are crazy." Note: It works to your advantage to articulate "craziness." Insanity forms a mysterious aura around a person and mysterious auras are a strong indication one has a bizarre and exciting life. Plus, it will give your real family more to criticize.
Try to move stuff with your mind. Engaging your mind in this provocative and stimulating activity is key to becoming "self-centered." It's also a good way to encourage the swift processing of spontaneous mental signals like, "Incoming idiot." This skill will prove invaluable at work, while stuck in traffic and in the supermarket Express Lane.
Finally, write an article like this one. That will definitely put you to sleep.

Learn more about this author, Christina Madonia.
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