by Ted Sherman

Created on: November 02, 2007

Attractive? Do you really mean, you know, wink wink ... attactive? How could I have hot flushes for Simple Simon or Pouting Piers until I'd seen them in full evening wear? However, if I had the opportunity to watch an entire competition where they flaunt their questionably male appeal, maybe I could decide which personality to vote Miss Congeniality.

Seriously, I'd have thought by now the viewing public had tired of the so-called talent shows, with the unending line-up of grossly untalented contestants and the sneering, arrogant judges. Despite all the grossly-obscene money the judges are earning just by sitting on their fat butts and dissing the poor squawking schlubs in front of them, even they are getting bored with the tiresome routine.

Whenever those programs are on the tube, I actually can't wait for the next brain-damaging Head On, flatulance-decreasing Beano or groin-enhancing Cialis commercials that mercifully take up at least 30 minutes of every primetime hour. Things actually get so bad that I often switch channels to Home Shopping, hoping I can bask in the glory of the surgically-frozen face of Joan Rivers as she peddles her cheap chochkas.

If you really force me to make a decision, I'll have to vote for Piers for the simple reason that, although he tries mightily, he can't quite be as obnoxious as Simon.

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