by Jackie Papandrew

Created on: November 01, 2007   Last Updated: September 29, 2010

The Desperate Dad's Guide to Getting Some

Modern moms, it seems, are just not in the mood. Pummeled by children and chores, exhausted by careers and carpools, once hot mammas are now too whupped for whoopee, too crabby to conjugate. I hate to say it, fellas, but at day's end, we'd often rather curl up in the baggiest pair of granny panties we can find and hit the hay without ya.

Coincidentally, scientists have been shocked recently to discover that women are much more genetically complex than men. It turns out that the female's double X chromosomes operate on a far deeper molecular level, which explains why we are able to pick up our socks and throw out pizza boxes in a timely manner. Hmm... Could our lack of libido and your genetic simplicity be somehow related?

So for all you befuddled bearers of the Y chromosome (aka men), I offer a short honey do and don't list that just might help you get some XX-rated action tonight:

DO the windows. And the dishes. Scrub the sink, clean the toilet. Formula 409 is foreplay, baby.

DON'T promote pain. Try not to suggest surfaces for sex that are likely to cause discomfort. This would include floors, where we are bound to be impaled by an errant toy, and walls, where we will feel like concrete on the wrong end of a jackhammer. Forget any grainy videos you may have seen of surgically enhanced women who appear to enjoy having sex under these conditions. They are being paid to fake it. We, on the other hand, are faking it for free, and we require a soft stage on which to perform.

DO take a cuddling class. Really. You have to do more than sling one heavy, hairy arm across our chests a microsecond before you begin snoring. Professional help is available.

DON'T blame the hormones. If we seem annoyed, assume it is your fault and strive mightily to mollify us. Do not automatically chalk it up to the vagaries of menstruation. Doing so will ensure long cycles of celibacy.

DO let us sleep in. Corral the kids and keep them quiet. Then bring us breakfast in bed. This will release passion-promoting endorphins all over our bodies that by nightfall will have us convinced you are Brad Pitt. We might even slip into that negligee you bought years ago, the one with the price tag still on it.

DON'T try to multitask. This is a feat best left to the women. We are designed to do many things at once. Your multitasking abilities are limited to flipping channels, drinking beer and making love. The simultaneous enactment of these three things, however,

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>