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I was diagnosed Bi-polar disorder many years ago after losing what I had accumulated in my life over and over. I lost a marriage of 21 years, beautiful homes, nice cars, but the worst damage was the emotional scars that this illness leaves behind.
In the beginning my life was not too bad, but I would rapid cycle and swing from depression to manic episodes in just a months time. My family had a very hard time trying to figure out just what was wrong with this person that had promised to care for them and keep them safe. One month I would be home cleaning the house and cooking like crazy. The next thing they knew I was gone, living the night life out on the town. Staying out till the wee hours of the morning. Taking huge risks with my life and my marriage. I did not know where this behavior was coming from and it was just as much of a surprise to me. I would wind up looking back on it and wondering what the hell happened. It was as if I had been drugged and had been living another person's life. When I took the time to look back at the disaster my life was in, it was as if it was not me at all. I was from the outside looking in.

I did many things during these times that were embarrassing and downright self destructive. I would use and abuse drugs and alcohol, have unprotected sexual encounters with strange men for no reason at all, would drive under the influence and would do all of these things without caring for the outcome or the consequences. I lived with a demon on my shoulder, and it had control of my life. After these episodes I would sink into a deep depression. Again using drugs and alcohol, trying to bring some joy or peace to my life. I couldn't work, losing my job many times. I lost the trust of my children, for they saw a woman who seemed as though she didn't love them. From their point of view I couldn't be bothered with them, I either wanted to party or was in bed from depression. They couldn't see the true horror of my life. I had tried different medications over the years, but because I didn't stick with one doctor, my diagnosis was late in coming to me.
I had attempted suicide many times, trying to escape the hell that my life had become. I had no hope for myself, I could not even sit with a doctor and explain what I was feeling, it had gone too far. I felt that my life was over. Until I was diagnosed. Slowly my life started to turn around. It has never been easy and it never will be, I know that. But I have hope now. For now I am on the right medications that are working for me, and a very supportive family that loves me. When things get a bit tough I know to reach out for help before it gets too bad. There is so much help out there if we want it. But we have to come to a place in ours lives where we are open and asking for help.
I still lose things in my life, many of them due to my illness. I guess the most that I have lost is respect. Material things are easy to replace, but I have lost the respect of doctors and therapists, children and family members. This is something that is very difficult to get back. I have been working very hard for the past few years to gain back what I have lost. Staying on my medications and keeping doctor and therapist appointments is something that I encourage all to do. It is one huge thing that you can do for yourself that will be of massive benefits in the future.

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