This subject is very close to my heart (literally). Having struggled with weight gain, and loss and weight gain, its been a constant battle. Fortunately I am a tall person and can carry so much of it off, but lately I have not been liking what I see in the mirror.

I am I suppose quite a fit person for my age, and surprise myself at times at what I am physically capable of doing, although I wonder if its just to prove to others that I am not ready to be left aside, or whether I am doing it for myself, I like to think the latter.

Having been quite heavy, and my most heaviest around 103kg - I know I wont ever be that weight again. My dad used to call me "the shot put woman" because I was so heavy.

Funnily enough I was never a fat child, colt legs as I used to run everywhere, but on reaching my teenage years when the playground became a dating ground, sport was left on the back burner and I gradually put on the kilos.

In 2000 I set myself a goal and ran the London Marathon and although not doing a particularly good time (although I feel it was good enough) in terms of how far I had ever run in my life (5:52) I lost the most weight I had ever achieved and people commented on how ill I looked, and yet I felt wonderful. 7 years down the line I am around a stone heavier and don't like what I see any more.

I watch the TV and everywhere I look are these skeletal women who look gorgeous but painfully thin but they still look gorgeous, and some of them are in their 40's. I look at myself and all I see when I try to lose weight is this gaunt face and flabby thighs and arms. No amount of exercise these days is managing (I feel) to tone me.

I must sound like a pitiful moany old gal, but believe me, I have opted out of going out on many occasions as I did not like what I saw in the mirror (even after having been to the hairdressers to cheer myself up).

My family and closest friends always comment on how wonderful I look, but they have no idea what pain I am going through every time I look in the mirror. I don't want to sound conceited, buy I struggle with my demons. Should I seek psychiatric help, run more London marathons to help boost my equilibrium. I know I count myself lucky in a lot of ways that I have all my faculties and can do what I like whenever I like and I have a lovely boyfriend who knows there are problems but he never harps on about it. Its all in my mind I can tell you and sometimes I just get so cross with myself for being so silly :-(

So a woman in her late 40's and how she thinks, I can only say I pity some of those youngsters who may be struggling with their inner demons, because it certainly takes a lot of beating to get rid of them.

Learn more about this author, Holly Golightly.
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