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the freedom to find a new love because of an unwillingness to let go. Distance is the key.

When children are involved, everything is entirely different. Both parents need to protect the emotional well-being of the children. Young children, who are still dependent upon their parents for immediate care, will need an enormous amount of support and encouragement during these transitions. Older and adult children, while they may experience anxiety and emotional upset, can be expected to deal with their feelings more independently. An ex-spouse whose former mate has found a new love needs to adopt a positive attitude, showing interest but not too much interest. All negative feelings should be dealt with privately, alone or with counseling, and never shared with the children. Ex-spouses have no holds on each other, not even through the children. The children should never be used as way to come between the ex-spouse and the new love, not under any circumstances. The primary role here is not ex-spouse. It is parent. All focus needs to be kept on the children and helping them adjust to and, eventually, accept the new relationship.

Transition is temporary, thankfully. If a new love becomes a permanent fixture, it is important to maintain the respectful distance established during the transition. Again, where no children are involved, ex-spouses should not be in the picture. Where children are involved, though, the relationship between ex-spouses needs to have evolved into a co-parenting one and, in no way, should resemble the former relationship. That is the place where the new love now treads and is off limits. The ex-spouse and the new love need to find an emotionally secure place where they can co-exist in the lives of the children. They should not aspire to be best buddies, though. Sharing confidences can only lead to feelings of jealousy and unrest. It is important to remember that, while we learn from the past, we do not live in it. Let go!

Learn more about this author, Penny Kraus.
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