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It may look like I'm just sitting in my rocking chair on my front porch enjoying the sunshine and blue skies, but I'm never "just" doing anything. My mind is always racing to solve some of mankind's most pressing problems. In this case, while I watch cars speed past my house doing 50 mph in a residential zone, "How to avoid speeding tickets" floated to the surface of my grey matter as a problem that really needs a solution.

Rocking on my porch would be a more favorable location for good productive problem solving if it weren't for the twenty wasps tending a large nest in a corner in the eaves. Well, I solve this pesky problem with a large wide mouthed jar. I slowly sneak up on the nest and capture the whole operation in my big jar. I quickly seal them in with a lid that has small air holes punched in for breathing. Wasps need a lot of ventilation when they're flying around in a jar in a 'fit of rage'. Now, back to "How to avoid speeding tickets".

There's only one way to test my latest theories....I'm going to have to put in some serious time behind the steering wheel with the right pedal pressed way past legal. Minutes later, I'm out on the highway in my bright red Corvette, trying to make an hour trip between two cities in only forty-five minutes. Sure enough, I blow by a radar trap doing at least "twenty" over the legal limit.

Now for the sake of argument, it's clear that I was speeding....it's additionally clear that I set out with the premeditated 'intent to speed'. Those facts are critical elements in any research on the subject: "How to avoid speeding tickets".

"Ok, I'm caught", is what I'm thinking as I see the blue lights flashing and the grey state police cruiser closing in on me. I'm sure he had to really open up that 'Crown Vic' to catch me, but I won't run. I bang down through the gears from about 85 mph, and brake hard while steering my way to the shoulder. Once I come to a complete stop, I start waving my hands around my head frantically as the Officer approaches my car. When he is almost at my door, I open up the big jar with those angry wasps while I simultaneously exit my car still frantically waving my hands around my head. All of this is accompanied with the proper amount of screaming and hysteria as I run for the bushes.

After about ten minutes of this insanity, I return to my car. Usually, I find the officer has returned to his car and is completely ready to leave the scene with not much more than a understanding wave as he races away. I smile because I realized that I've just solved another of our most pressing problems; and I only got stung once.

Well, I related this whole ridiculous tale to illustrate how silly it is to think there really is a fool-proof method to "avoid speeding tickets"! Radar detectors, stealth tactics, aluminum foil, dark colored cars or what ever crazy solution you concoct is going to fail, sooner or later. The only tricks that still work are the ones that aren't apparently that obvious to most drivers:

1. Give yourself plenty time to get to where you are going.
2. Watch the posted speed limits.
3. Use cruise control if you have it, and stay off the cell phone.
4. Go with the traffic flow if they're running a few MPH over, but don't lead the pack.
5. Be patient..."patience" is still a virtue, especially if it keeps you from getting speeding tickets.

If you haven't figured it out by now....the best way to "avoid speeding tickets" is...."Come a little closer so I can whisper it in your ear.....DON'T SPEED!"

Learn more about this author, D Warner Trebloc.
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