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When you live a life with bipolar, you have to get used to saying goodbye. It's just the nature of trying to fit a a square peg into a round society. Everyone wants consistent, regular, normal. But bipolar doesn't allow for any of these things.

Over the years, I have had to say goodbye to many friends, many jobs, and even a few relatives. For the most part, it's simply a matter of people running out of energy for dealing with me, or the requirements of employers to get consistent performance from me. But the two people in my life I never thought would say goodbye, were my twin daughters.

Like 90% of people with bipolar, I became a member of the other half of society some years ago, with the word divorce becoming a part of my history. It was shaming to me. Neither set of my grandparents had been divorced, nor had my parents. It felt as if I had placed a knot hole on our family tree; like I had failed.

It was the silver lining of a great relationship with my daughters that carried me through. The pride of being Dad to two fantastic kids. Good grades, accomplished martial artists, bright wonderful, and unique personalities, and so much more. Having been such a major part of their upbringing is what helped me hold on to a sense of worth, a sense of belonging.

About 4 years after the divorce, they were gone from my life. Child custody hearings, accusations, and bitterness had taken it's toll. My ex's roll was one of shameful manipulation of my disease, and exploiting it's effects in order to drive a wedge between my baby girls and I. My roll was one of inability. Inability to fend off changing tides of bipolar. Inability to handle the stresses of my new life. Inability to maintain a solid relationship with those most precious to me.

Over a year has gone by since I last saw my baby girls. I often wonder about their lives without me, and it is those hours that pass like centuries. Yes, a life with bipolar is getting used to saying goodbye, but never before had I felt like an outcast.

Learn more about this author, Stephen Surgener.
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