8th May 2003

Today I found out I have cancer. Papillary thyroid cancer to be exact. I have had two major operations in the last six weeks, my neck is swollen to twice its normal size, and the wound is leaking pus. I am taking sea-sickness tablets to ease the nausea. Not quite a situation where death would be preferable, but I can see the temptation to think like that. Luckily, in my present sate, I am unable to process the information - I am just glad to be at home, in familiar surrounding, where I control the light switch, and live plants are allowed.

I try to force down the plateful of dinner my partner places in front of me. I feel so guilty that I can't eat it all. I want to make him feel better about the situation, and although I know this isn't the way, it somehow seems important to try. I feel responsible for his state of mind. Should I honour the relationship by trusting him with my fears, or show selfless moral strength by keeping it all to myself? How do you decide how much to share, and how much to deal with on your own? Unable to decide, I veer between the two.

9th May 2003

Another sleepless night. My shoulders ache from keeping my head in one place, and my back aches from sleeping sitting-up to allow the wound to drain. When I want to sit upright, I grab a handful of hair and pull my head up, so I don't use my neck muscles.

I am very tired all the time, and unable to do some of the most basic of tasks. I step into my tops and pull them up when I dress, because I can't raise my hands over my head. I have difficulty bending over, not as bad as when I first came home from hospital, but still worried that I might injure myself further. I climb carefully into the bath in the evenings, and think that this must be what it is like to be old. I dread the day when I can't do things for myself. At the moment, I am ill for a short period of time, and people are glad to help. Would they be so glad to help if it was a permanent disability? I feel like I am gradually getting slower and slower at things. Soon, it should improve, and I will be on the mend. I hope.

10th May 2003

How do you tell people you have cancer? What do you tell them? Who do you tell? I realize I am woefully unaware of any of the facts about my condition. I want some hard and fast rules and statistics to pass on there are none.

I spend hours searching the Internet for answers, and just come up with more and more questions. One question I

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