Death of the Banker

We open on battle. Only two men and one grotesque creature are left standing, fighting fiercely. One of our men is tall, dark and unbelievably gorgeous, the other, packed with, and with hair that is so obviously unnatural are both battling against the stuff of nightmares the hideous monster Banker. This unholy thing has lied, cheated, bullied and stolen from hardworking conscientious individuals, striking only when they have been approached with matters regarding to owed monies, they have taken despicably long months to come up with alternate payment methods. Mistakes are made, yet the marked receive no apology. The collective royally screw up, and do not claim responsibility. Surely there is only one course of action?

Although I have already sanctioned death for the banker, the men apparently have a box of tricks ready to fire. The suspense is killing me. Excruciatingly slowly, an immense form closes on my two warriors. I know I have no reason for fear, although I must admit I am growing more anxious for the outcome. My boys are acting very strangely, and for once they appear to be overly confident. This is very good to see, as I know them both far too well to know that this is not an act. Finally the supremacy advancing reveals itself to be none other than the Financial Ombudsman Service. I have never seen such a sight!

While the beast is quaking in its boots, my bodyguards continue to goad and jab at it. Their ultimate weapon looks on and reads the rites of fair and lawful service. The beast cowers and offers nothing but poor excuses. There is an ear splitting silence, and then the FOS starts dealing the blows. One, for unlawful charges, two, for failing to communicate, three, for failing to confirm anything, four, for refusing to pay back unauthorised charges. And then comes the final blow: an apology to all customers who have been treated this way.

It is a most pleasing sight. I feel liberated now that I know I am finally free of this burden, when a scuttling movement catches my eye. The Banker is still alive! It is only when my dark knight explains that it is now set to lead a miserable existence. The payback for every unlawful charge has left it bankrupt! I grin wildly as it limps off to hide under the nearest rock it can find. My dark knight, my boyfriend, scoops me up and carries me off to enjoy everything we should have been able to experience whilst we were both far too stressed to concentrate on anything else.

The Financial Ombudsman Service and our other knight slowly fade out to fight the next battle.

You never know, it could be yours.

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