by Rebecca Dyson

Created on: October 27, 2007

Parenting styles are highly individualized. Is there a "right" or "wrong" way to parent? I don't think so. I do think that each parenting style carries its own risks and rewards, however.

My real mother was an easy-going parent. For the first twelve years of my life I grew and developed under her style. Then she died, and I went to live with cousins who parented with a very authoritarian style. Suddenly I lived every day in total terror of doing something wrong, of making some mistake, of being unloved because I wasn't perfect. I went from knowing true unconditional love to being afraid.

Authoritarian parents rule with an iron hand. They don't tolerate mistakes and kids who are "bad" are punished quickly and severely. They are inflexible and rigid, and they expect instant obedience. Heaven help the child who dares to question or voice an opinion.

The result of growing up under an authoritarian parent is often lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Children who are raised in such a manner do not develop healthy risk-taking skills and they are often so afraid of making a mistake that they seldom try anything new. They do not learn to appropriately voice their opinions on topics because their opinions are not valued. Pretty soon they don't give opinions at all.

A child raised in an authoritarian environment never feels safe in being him or herself. They always try to be the person that will not raise the wrath of the parents, which results in them losing themselves in the process.

On the plus side, an authoritarian household generally runs very smoothly. There is the illusion of peace and serenity, but it is a false illusion. There is no real happiness; just fear of stepping out of line.

When I had my own children, I vowed I would raise them differently. I reverted to my real mother's calm and accepting parenting style. I encouraged my children to be individuals, to try new things without fear of making mistakes, to question authority if it didn't feel right to them. As a result they have grown up much more self-confident than I ever was.

The ultimate irony is that my children appear to be leaning toward the authoritarian style of parenting. Perhaps it just skips generations; every child thinks they can do it better than the parents did. I encourage my daughter to be more understanding when her children are naughty or demanding in hopes that her style will be a mixture of both styles. I think that may actually be the best way to parent; authoritarian when needed, accepting when appropriate.

Parenting is never easy, and children don't come with an instruction book. I can only speak from my heart and relate how I felt when raised in an authoritarian household. And that is not something I would want to subject my own children to.

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