by just another voice

Created on: October 26, 2007

He's lying there crying his eyes out when I get to his room to see what is wrong. As I approach the bed, my heart breaks. The poor little thing is just so pitiful, clutching the covers to his face as his mouth opens and closes keeping time to the soft sobs that emerge from his throat. I gather him in my arms and sit in the rocker, all the time saying soothingly, "It's okay, Mamma's here, I'm sorry baby, he won't hurt you again."

His little eyes still closed, he molds into my body as I rock him slowly back and forth. I feel so much love for this little boy. I feel as though I would give him my still beating heart if it could take away just a little of his pain. It is my fault he wakes up crying at night. I am the one to blame for the hurt in the heart and mind of my baby boy. If not for me, he would be a happy, normal child, sleeping peacefully, dreaming about soccer, parties or maybe ponies. He wouldn't be awake in the middle of the night, crying, trying not to remember what happened to him.

I'm the one who met who I thought was a wonderful man five years ago. I'm the one who married this man and decided to have a family with him. Everything seemed great. I was happy in my marriage, I had a career that I loved and was expecting the baby we both wanted. Who could ask for more? Looking at my son, I think I should have. I didn't know until four years later that I had married a sick, sick man. I am to blame that he hurt our son.

Now, as I carry him to my room to sit up and watch him sleep, I realize that this blame will follow me to the grave. Each day that I look into my son's face, the guilt will eat me up. Whenever he asks any questions about what happened, (and I know he will) I will blame myself. I'm more than certain that even he blames me now, and I will still blame myself even after he understands and no longer blames me. If that ever happens.

If I hadn't met his father. If I hadn't chosen this man to procreate with. If I didn't leave my baby with him while I so diligently pursued my career. All these ifs go through my mind constantly as do many others. Will I ever be able to NOT blame myself? Especially after I killed the man who hurt my baby.

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