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C E R U L E A N I N F I N I T Y

It has been said that to conquer yourself is to defeat your biggest fear, or fears, being as whatever case may be. What is fear ? Besides the obvious physical reaction in your gut to the object or area of your fear, what deeper meaning does it hold? Psychologists have long debated whether fear is "the physical display of actions onset of chemical processes in the body," or if it is "the display of physical actions which causes these chemical processes." Without the fancy mumbo-jumbo, a simple way to illustrate these concepts is with the display of behaviour between a cat and a dog. Does a cat hiss and run away because it's body is incapable of surviving a fight with a dog (which is in terms of matter and size is bigger than it), or does the ingrained natural instinctual belief that the dog can hurt it thus cause the physical reaction of it running away? Is the body of the cat afraid of dogs, or is it the mind of the cat which tells it that it is afraid? Simultaneously, is the dog's body truly more capable of fighting the cat, or does it's mind tell it so? This battle of mind over matter is that which is my life.

Who was I when I was a child? The image is so vague to me it is as if staring at one of Picasso's cubism works and trying to decipher the original objects which he first saw. I am still myself, surely, for I own the same name and possess familiar characteristics. Yet something which used to be so valuable, so ingrained into my psyche has ultimately altered itself. My beliefs, my value system, my sense of identity. I don't think there is a right, wrong, black, white, mistake, destiny, moral, lie, even grey. I don't think that any of the world which is brought before us, the culmination of perceptions, societal beliefs and even physical reality is the truth. I don't even think there is a truth. Whereas, when I was a child, I had unshakable definitions of my life, who I was, and everything which surrounded me. I believed that there was a definitive right and wrong, a direct awareness of the world's mistakes, a specific path which included in it's midst measured achievements, goals, a list; of things I had to accomplish and live through in order to equate myself in the finite mathematical equation which was to be my future life. The self which I am now, although the same, is a direct opposition of the past me. The physical differences are not as notable, unless I compare them with what I would look like had I lived the path

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