by Lisa Moore

Created on: October 23, 2007

How had everything turned out so badly? Where did it all go wrong? Initially, the tendency is to blame him, but I must accept the bed I made for myself. Although it seems completely unfair that two innocent children should have to pay for my mistakes. The weight of that burden lies heavily on my heart.

"Mommy?" a tentative little voice asked from the room next to her.

"Right here, sweetie." I answered planting a smile on my face. I have to stay strong for them. Being that they are the very reason for my existence at that moment, I felt a strong need to protect them from the truth.

"There you are, mommy. You want to come play with me?" My four-year old asks sweetly as his baby brother starts to cry in the bassinet.

"Sorry, baby, Mommy has to feed the baby first. Then I will play with you." Sighing, I silently walk down the hall to get the baby.

Looking around the room, I wonder how it could have happened. Where had everything go wrong? Thinking back over the years I could not find one defining moment that might have given me a clue as to what my future would hold. He had been so handsome and charming; so loving. He seemingly had the same hopes and dreams for our future. We both wanted someone to trust with our love. We both wanted someone to depend on, someone whose shoulder we could lean on when times were hard.

Now, there was no shoulder to lean on. There was no one to depend on and there was certainly no one to trust. Things had gone from bad to worse when I found out I was pregnant with our third child. Since the miscarriage of the second pregnancy, I mistakenly thought this baby would bring as much joy to him as he did to me.

My precious babies. How could I have put them in such a horrible situation? Picking up the baby, I sigh quietly and murmur to the baby, "It'll be ok."

Although I could not truly believe the words myself, they seemed to calm the baby. Smiling up at me, sweet innocence gurgles in happiness. To feel the security and contentment of a baby would be complete bliss.

Smiling in return, I wonder how he could stay away from such sweetness. Looking over to our other child walking into the room, I feel encompassed with deep love. A fierce, protective love that refuses to accept defeat. A love that would, one day, give me strength to walk away from all of the pain and disappointment.

Later that night, the house is perfectly quiet as he stumbles in unaware of my presence. Feelings of helplessness mingle with feelings of contempt and utter despair for a situation that cannot be changed. Knowing that he is safely home, one more night, I quietly tiptoe to the guest room. I lie on the bed pretending to be asleep as he opens the door.

Stumbling across the room, he looks over to where I lay. Slurring his words, he curses me under his breath and stumbles out of the room. Letting out a sigh, I quietly turn over.

Sleep will elude me once again. Working out the world's troubles, along with my own, the struggle for peace will continue deep into the night.

Listening to him snore in the next room, a tear silently trails down the side of my face and into the pillow. A tear filled with hopelessness and heartache; a tear that will do no good whatsoever. A tear filled with complete despair.

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