by Kim Hamilton

Created on: October 23, 2007   Last Updated: November 14, 2007

"God forgives, people don't" said my pastor suggesting that if an infidelity happened it needed not necessarily be brought up to the cheated person's attention. I was in a state of shock at how he could have said that! It took me at least a couple of years to understand that yes, indeed, now I think my pastor was right.

It seems to me that everybody subscribes to "I want to know" when I would rather not know. Ignorance is bliss. Forgiving and forgetting take a lot of work and prayer and don't come easily.

I am interested in people and want to know them and about them but because I care too deeply sometimes I would rather not know too many details causing me to lose sleep for two nights in a row because my boss, for example, is going through a medication change.

Recently I was faced with another type of situation when not only somebody opened my e-mail and read it but decided to comment on it in the middle of a meeting at work. He really wanted me to know he had gone there for in a couple of weeks he commented on yet another e-mail I have sent. Even though it was a good couple of months ago I am not over it and am befuddled at what sort of a person would have done that. What was he hoping to find and why is it he had to let me know he had done that and continues doing that? Since he was my boss's boss (but HR background check duties were not in his job description) I feel mightily relieved I no longer work for that company.

I don't think there can be any sort of any type of a healthy relationship if one person is insecure and controlling to the point of prying into closed corners of another person's life against their will or behind their back. Trust gets shattered taking respect with it.

On the other hand, as it sometimes happens, if I couldn't avoid "the evidence", in a personal relationship, I'm not sure what I would do. I think clear and livable rules have to be established in a relationship and it is unfortunate that people don't talk about it until it is too late and too much damage to one side has occurred.

Historically, for example, men have never been faithful and marriage, fidelity and household activities were women's domain. Sometimes they turned a blind eye and many a times they fooled themselves into believing their men were different.

I think that when people in a relationship talk about it they ought not make their rules too strict or idealistic if they are hoping to be in that relationship for a long time. Common values are crucial.

Sometimes people cheat for the wrong reasons and they have a very hard time with themselves getting over their own moral hangover. It is not like they cheated their girlfriend or boyfriend but like they cheated themselves and regaining self-respect might be problematic.

Unfortunately in the age of STDs and HIV it is a health and not a moral issue whether a partner needs to be told. Dealing with being told' or having it thrown in one's face is very difficult to deal with.

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