Ah...getting along with the ex. This is a topic that has plagued single parents for years. It is hard to remember that whenever mommy and daddy fight...even when the child doesn't see or hear it, they will know. Emotions run high and the first instinct is to say whatever comes to mind, even if it is to spout off about his mother, or complain about her parenting skills. But there are several things that need to be done in order to get along with the ex.

First, please remember that your children can hear you. Spouting off about your ex, telling them that their daddy or mommy is "such-and-such" only hurts the child. They will think that since you hate daddy/mommy then you must hate them too. They are after all a part of that other person. Children are extremely self-centered, and when things go wrong, they will believe that it is their fault. Calling mommy or daddy names does nothing to help this situation.

Second, if your ex tries to make a mountain out of a molehill on some issue, simply take a deep breath, tell them that you do not want to talk about this when you're angry, and leave. Wait a time and call them when everyone has calmed down. Generally, after the flames have died down and everyone has had time to think, then usually there can be a civilized discussion on the problem at hand.

Third, always remember that there are reasons you are apart, and don't fall into the same traps you fell into when you were together. If your emotional trigger is your mother, then if he begins to speak of her, just walk away. There is no reason to get into an argument about your mother, when that is not why you are there. Keep the topic on the kids. Talk about them, about what's happening in their lives. Even ask for input. Even if you don't want it, ask. Most of the time, the ex simply wants to feel that they are still a major part of the child's life, especially if they are no longer in residence.

Last, and most painful for some people, is to swallow some pride and allow some of the things that the ex asks for. I know that it's a difficult thing to do. Especially if the separation happened from some wrong doing on the ex's part. Emotions will be volitile. The desire to punish through the children will be nearly overwhelming. These things do nothing but hurt the children. Find a way to compromise on certain issues. Do whatever you can to keep an open line of communication going between you. If he or she makes it difficult, then do what you can to hold in your temper. If it seems impossible to have even a friendly relationship with your ex, then only speak to them if it involves the kids. Again, keep it civil. Ignore the painful barbs they throw out, and don't let them get to you.

In the end, it is the children caught in the middle that you need to remember. They are the ones who feel every cold silence, every biting word. In order to get along with your ex, you need to remember that one basic fact, and perhaps remind them of that same thing.

Learn more about this author, Erin Allen.
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