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Finding The Confidence Needed To Be A Single Parent

When I first separated from my husband of four years one of my first thoughts was, "How am I going to do this on my own?" The overwhelming sense of responsibility and daunting knowledge of holding precious futures in my hands without the support of a fellow parent offered a frightening reality. By then of course there really wasn't any other choice. I was already treading water in the deep-end and the only option was to sink or swim.

Two and a half years later I'm swimming with my kids and loving it. There were a few aspects of life we needed to adjust to. There are still rocky days when the kids want their father or when I wish I had a husband to lean on but most of the time single parenting is great and it has done wonders for my own self-esteem and confidence. Over the years I had to face a few truths:

1. How much does your partner' really do anyway?
One of the first things I did when I faced the fact that I'd be going on alone as a parent was to reflect on the past. How big a role had my husband played in the day to day care of our family? When I answered this question honestly it didn't amount to much. He worked full-time so the loss of his income was a significant impact. There were occasions when he helped the family but when I calculated it the actual care of our children was about 87% MY responsibility already. Taking up 13% is far less daunting then feeling like you now have to put in 50% more effort.

2. What does your family really need'?
Another aspect we had to look at was what we really needed to get by. With a drastically reduced income I had to take a close look at the elements in our life we were overspending and find the best places to cut back so we could save money. When broken down to the bare basics kids don't need very much. They need love (which single parents tend to have in abundance), shelter (a roof over their heads, sheets on their beds, and shirts on their backs), medical care, education and food. Everything else is optional.

3. At what point would you quit'?
It might seem like a ridiculous question but it's one I had to force myself to answer. Play devil's advocate. Take yourself through every single worst situation plausible (or even implausible) and ask yourself, "If this happened would I quit?" If my three year old broke his arm, would I quit? Of course not! If my seven year old turned fourteen and got pregnant, would I quit? No way! If I were paralyzed in a serious car accident, would I quit? Certainly not, my kids need' me! The truth is, no matter how bad it gets, They Need You' and you won't quit, you might want to in some small part of your mind that is struggling in the moment but ultimately, you won't quit, ever.

The strength and courage to be a single parent is something that continues to grow every single day. Ultimately, however, we're ALL strong enough and courageous enough to do it. What choice do we have? We love our kids and we're the very best chance they have of a loving home and family. We mightn't be able to provide them with an ideal childhood but I don't think anyone would ever feel they had one. We do the best we can, and even if that means doing it alone, at least for now, we can do it.

Learn more about this author, Rebecca Laffar-Smith.
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