I am an alcoholic and suffer from depression, as my father did before me. My father, however, did not receive any help. I was hospitalized for two weeks to treat the depression. I was put on antidepressants, which has been somewhat successful. I was later hospitalized to treat the alcoholism, but that was unsuccessful.

There is always suicidal thoughts in my mind. It gets worse when I drink because alcohol is a depressant. Plus I feel guilty for drinking. There is a voice in my mind that tells me to do evil things like walk into heavy traffic, run my car into a bridge abutment, or slit my wrists. This voice can be very compelling sometimes, especially when suicide seems preferable to living in the pure hell created by my mind.

But God and my wife have saved me. I am a Christian and suicide is a sin that God will not forgive. My wife has also saved me from suicide by just being there with her love and compassion.

Things seem better these days. I am on a new drug that seems to be working. I no longer hear that evil little voice. The suicidal thoughts are still there, but I no longer act on them. And I have stopped drinking rum in favor of beer. I have even started to drink less of that. This may not seem like much of an improvement to most people, but to those that have lived through the hellish cycle of depression and alcoholism, it is like freedom for the first time.

Learn more about this author, Gary Betts.
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