My brother and I have never had a good relationship. He is 11 months older than me but it feels like an eternity. He was abusive when we were younger but then he stopped. I forgave him for what he did to me but I still have nightmares. I use to dream that he was coming after me and my mom was standing right there.

"What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like that? Don't, come on, don't, please, no more"

That was all I kept saying and my mother was crying in a chair at the kitchen table. He would run over and start beating me again and again like he use to and I would wake up in a could sweat. I always told my mom the reason for waking up like that was because of my asthma. She does not know, I think. She may know more but she is in denial because I once told her something that I think she forgot two seconds later. I said if a woman was to come to my front door and say that my brother raped her, I would believe her. My mother never caught on to that. I don't even think she listened.

It is hard now because every time I see him, those images of what he use to do to me still haunts me. My childhood friend once called me Sheeraw. She is a female super hero that was always at odds with heeman. She called me that because I started working my sophomore year in high school, I took care of my younger siblings while being abused by my older sibling, I cooked, I helped with homework, and gave my mother whatever she said she needed and still had enough strength to make A's and B's in school. I also paid for my Spain trip and Florida trip my senior year. I paid for my prom, military ball, and graduation. I was so proud of myself and happy to say what I had, I earned, but I was stressed. My brother on the other-hand, got everything he wanted because he would throw a temper tantrum. He punched a whole in the wall because he didn't have a car and two days later, my mom had a 1990 Honda accord in the driveway. She has yet to even buy me a bike. He also got a cell phone in her name, still to this day. I have everything in mine. There is no secret why we are estranged. I was abused so much and now I am being emotionally abused.

But now, my brother has a little girl by a woman he can't stand. Though I love her with all my heart, she is a hand-full. I stay in touch with my brother because of her. God has a strange way of keeping people together. He is trying to tell me something. The past can be a blessing or a curse, if you allow them to be. My past was a blessing. Though I have been through a lot, I would not be the person I am today. I am understanding and forgiving. I am also tolerant where I know I should not be. I have nothing to say to my brother for the pain he has caused, but I can not change what was. I am trying to change what is. I wish we could speak. I want that sibling bond and someday, I hope, we will have it. But today, just is not that day.

Learn more about this author, Ms. Kay.
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