Without trying to belittle anyone or hurt any one's feelings let me say . . .

The first Fantastic Four bit. Bit hard.

But it had so much potential. Let's look at possibilties. 1. Jessica Alba. No, this is not some sort of male=pig comment. Fact: Regardless of your sex, Jessica Alba is both gorgeous and talented. 2. Special Effects. The CGI, though not top-shelf by any means, was really great.

3. The Story. Imagine all the insanely awesome things that could be done with the quartet of coolness. If you're having a hard time dreaming something up, just grab one of their comic books: possibilities galore. Despite all of that . . . the first movie flopped. Why? The writing. Even great acting and amazing effects can't revive a dead script or pointless plot. You'd think Hollywood would have learned that lesson by now.

What about the Rise of the Silver Surfer? Did it save the franchise?

Well, the Human Torch must have been nearby because the acting was turned up a degree or two. Personally, I think some of the actors improved nicely. Special effects? Pretty darn cool. Now here's the real test: Story. All in all, the second movie performed better than the first; at least the fab four left their hotel room this time. Also, the cast was much larger, and the action was more tremendous.

But still we're faced with a plot-line and dialogue recovering from cliche-ism. "Super hero angst+big-wedding blues for the country girl+selfish little brother causing trouble+all the right gadgets at all the right times+idiot bad-guy who can't see the forest for the trees+and right at the end . . . a big fat deux machina thrown in for good measure. Oh wait, that wasn't the end. After a few of the credits roll we're subjected to the time honored "wait-a-minute-the-good-guy-yo u-thought-was-dead-isn't," dum, dum, dum (cue the suspenseful music).

So here's the Olsen Rating (out of 10):
Plot: 4
Writing: 3
Acting: 7
Cinematography: 6
Special Effects: 8
Theme: 7
Total: 35 out of 60 = 58%. If I throw it on a curve I'd probably give it a C.

All in all, I think it'd be really cool to write substandard scripts for the salaries of some of these professionals. Maybe one day I'll get my big break. Or, maybe one day I'll be able to act next to Jessica Alba. That way she can look deep into my eyes and tell me, "I'm really hot for you right now." Even better.

Learn more about this author, Kevin Olsen.
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