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So You Want to Get Thrown Out of the TARDIS: Twenty-five Ways to Annoy the Doctor.

There you are, standing inside the TARDIS trying to catch your breath. After narrowly escaping death a few dozen times, and you've only been aboard for 48 hours, you come to realize that maybe this wasn't the best idea after all. (Silly you!)
Announcing you're quitting isn't the way you want to go. But you do want to go, and you get the brilliant thought-make him think it was his idea! But how?

First remember, Timelords can be testy. You can use that to your advantage. Here are a few suggestions you can use to annoy the heck out of the poor man. Timelord. Whatever.

1) Start singing "The Thompson Twins" song "Doctor, Doctor," every time he enters the room/TARDIS/etc.
2) Paint the exterior of the TARDIS a shocking pink. Add pretty daisies in fluorescent green.
3) Hide his sonic screwdriver every chance you get.
4) Always ask, "Are you sure?" whenever he makes a statement assessing the situation, offering scientific evidence, or a plan for escape. Look up his stated facts. Explain you're just double-checking his calculations.
5) Buy Dalek-shaped salt and pepper shakers. Leave them in a conspicuous spot.
6) Hang up a large, ornately framed, picture of the Master. Mention you think he's "hot".
7) Throw out his clothes; all of them. Replace with a mixture of hip-hop attire and the grunge look.
8) When traveling, be certain to say in a whiny voice, "Are we there yet?" at least every five minutes. Set your watch alarm to beep every five minutes so you don't forget.
9) Call the TARDIS an outdated, malfunctioning, inept piece of rusty junk.
10) Hook up the Cloister Bell to a remote. Press play often and discreetly.
11) When stepping out into a strange new world that no human has ever seen, put hands on hips, look around and say, "So it's another world and time. Big deal." Return to the TARDIS and tune in to "Gilligan's Island."
12) Scream and faint as often as you can.
13) Mention you hate tea.
14) Open up a couple of the TARDIS' control panels. Mess with and rearrange wires, electrical boards, and that funny looking thing that glows. Say you just wanted to see how it worked.
15) Call K-9 an outdated, malfunctioning, inept piece of rusty junk.
16) Remark incessantly how his other regenerations were so much better than this one.
17) Tell him it's far past time to grow up, quit this stupid traveling, settle down somewhere and get a freakin' job.
18) Wear a T Shirt that states; I'm with stupid.
19) Hold a family reunion in the console room of the TARDIS. Invite him.
20) Start addressing him as "Muffy-Kins" instead of "Doctor".
21) Dress up as a mime. Mimic everything he does.
22) Call Betsy (number 3's car) an outdated, malfunctioning, inept piece of rusty junk.
23) Redecorate the Console room using a cutesy unicorn theme. Be certain to use many different shades of pink and a lot of it. Add a smiley face here and there.
24) Plaster the outside of the TARDIS with all sorts of bumper-stickers. For instance: "Daleks rule, Timelords drool" or "Gallifrey. Going, going, gone." Or how about "For a good time, call the Doctor at (Insert TARDIS phone number here).
25) Claim that science is for sissies and knowledge is for losers.

There you have it. Good luck! Be happy the Doctor doesn't believe in murder! Of course, there was that spider-lady-thing . . .

Learn more about this author, Lynn Schwalbe-Larson.
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