by Alissa King

Created on: October 15, 2007

Why is it so hard admit when we are wrong? I suppose it is a pride issue, maybe even a trust issue. Admitting that you are fallible, that your judgment can err, and submitting this admission for another person to evaluate, that's a difficult thing to face. Strangely enough, it is so much easier to admit mistakes to a stranger. When it is someone you share your life with, someone you care about, that can be the hardest thing to do.

What do you do when you've wrongly accused your spouse of cheating? This is such a catch 22. Every psychologist, every book on communication out there will tell you to confront your spouse if you feel that they are having an affair. But they rarely cover what to do if you've called them out and your suspicions are simply wrong as wrong can be.

By making the accusation you've opened yourself up to their anger and rejection. You've opened the relationship up to doubt and scrutiny. The best you can hope for is hurt and confusion on their part. If they can respond to you in a generous manner at this, your moment of weakness, will you love them for it or hate them for your own shortcomings?

I'm afraid there is no right answer for what to do in this situation. You have to respond to your partner's responses. You must be willing to apologize and take the responsibility for emotional damage done. But if the relationship has broken down to a point where you suspected your trust had been violated, relations between you might be tenuous. No one should open their self up to be emotionally abused, even if they did make a terrible mistake. Maybe the error will work as a catalyst for some difficult personal evaluations.

First off, why were you so certain they were cheating? Do you feel consistently insecure? What dynamics in the relationship are making you feel this way?

And hey, how does your partner react to your mistake? Are they cold? Dismissive? Angry? Is this someone who is willing to reassure you and possibly explore options like counseling, or is this someone who regards you with scorn and dismissal? If there is love between you, the accusation itself should not be enough to destroy the relationship. Admit your error. Try to mend the breach and take responsibility; but if your spouse uses the opportunity to turn against you, that could well signify the beginning of the end. All you can do is retain your dignity and try to face the facts bravely. Ironically, that's probably what you were trying to do in the first place.

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