by Carol Gioia

Created on: October 15, 2007   Last Updated: August 09, 2008

Can an imaginary friend be beneficial to a child, and more importantly, should the parents encourage this fantasy?

Around the age of three some children use their rapidly developing imagination for discovery of the "imaginary friend" technique of coping with limited socialization skills. This is in no way an aberration of normal behavior and there are some very positive reasons for parents to accept and respect their child's new "friend."

The imaginary friend can help your child become proficient in the following areas:

* Stimulates imagination
* Helps with self expression
* Assists with trying out new ideas
* Gives the child courage and confidence
* Helps the child develop empathy

Often the child who invents a "friend" is looking for a non threatening companion or peer. Perhaps the child is lonely, or feels overwhelmed by life situations thrust upon him, such as moving to a new place, a new sibling, or even the loss of a parent through divorce. Children experience stress just as adults do, but they do not have the fully developed mental and verbal skills to cope. The imaginary friend serves as a comfort zone, enabling the child to release anxiety in an acceptable way. The child feels "in control" of his environment and experiences total acceptance by his "friend" while he is learning to navigate his complicated little world.

What is the appropriate reaction on the part of the parents to the imaginary "addition" to the family?

* Be accepting and respectful of your child's fantasy coping mechanism
* Don't enter the child's world. Do not use the imaginary friend as a manipulation tool to elicit certain behavior from your child, as in "Your friend ate his vegetables, you should too."
* Do not disapprove or negate the child's companion in any way. When he is no longer needed, the imaginary friend will disappear as suddenly as he appeared.
* In sure the child has real friends and playmates and does not become solely dependent on his imaginary companion.
* If you are disturbed by the presence of an imaginary friend, your child will sense your anxiety and experience guilt; an undesirable consequence to a normal childhood behavior.

If your child opts for an imaginary friend in early childhood, this is a healthy sign of his attempts to expand his social world through his own imagination, and you would do well not to stifle his efforts. However, if the child continues to prefer his imaginary companion when the appropriate age has passed, and when real friends are available and present, parental concern might be justified.

Out of my five children, only one felt the need for an imaginary friend. Being our middle child and extemely shy, it was easy to see why she would create a comforting presence to see her through stressful times. Her friend appeared when she was three, and disappeared when she was four, and her world had expanded to include real friends. We neither encouraged nor discouraged her fantasy, but were attentive and respectful when she related stories of the adventures of her imaginary friend, who, coincidently was not as shy or timid as our little girl.

Today, our daughter is an outstanding mother of three, an accomplished teacher and has many real friends. She is outgoing and confident and we insist some of the credit for her well balanced personality belongs to an imaginary friend from the far distant past, who helped her overcome extreme shyness, develop her social skills at the appropriate time, and live up to her amazing potential.

"A friend in need, is a friend indeed." An imaginary friend can be your child's best friend for awhile, and during that brief period of time, a very good thing.

Learn more about this author, Carol Gioia.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.