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BROKEN

I remember the man I used to be
So sure of my self and so proud
I thought I could do anything
I lived outside of rules and laws
I used to claim to be the best
I could out drink
Out dance
Out sing
Out drive
And out %&*#$ any one

(Best at being the worst I guess)

Life was a party
I was the guest of honor

Sure things went wrong
I had bail bonds on speed dial
But that wasn't MY fault

"They" were out to get me

And so it went on
And on
And on

Until one day I really looked at my life
And I hated what I saw

I had nothing
My so-called friends loved only my paycheck
I had know countless lovers young and old alike
And never known love

I used everyone
Everyone used me

They used me for my money
I used them for their wives and daughters

I would have ended it then and there
But I was afraid of what came next

HELL

(I hate the smell of burning flesh
Especially if it's my own)

I knew "of" God
I knew how I deserved to be judged

I also knew what the Bible said
"It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea
with a millstone tied around his neck.."

I believed I was lost
Beyond hope
Damned

There can never be a more pitiful wretched soul
Than one who abhors life
yet is terrified of death

I was broken
Spiritually
Psychological ly
Emotionally
And physically

Then, on a night when I nearly drank myself to death
I heard Him call my name

Everything stopped
I held my breath
I don't even know if my heart was beating
The room stopped spinning
My mind became clear

"Do you believe I am who I say I am?"

I could not speak
The question was repeated

I vomited

Then managed a whispered "yes"

"My blood is enough"

I wish I could say I was changed on the spot
But that was not the case
I wallowed in my self-pity a little longer
But it just didn't fit any more

Things kept going right
In spite of my best efforts

"Friends" abandoned me
Blood kin returned to me
I lost my "off the books" job
And qualified for a scholarship to college
I went on the Internet to find a hook up
I met the Christian lady who became my wife

Finally I had to ask God "why?"
"Why are you rebuilding my life?"
Then I remembered that night

Once again I was broken

This time it brought freedom and peace
I was broken free of my shame
Of my guilt
Of my sorrow
Of my sin
Of my self

I was forgiven!
forgiven!
forgiven!

I am still broken today
Beyond repair
And I like it that way

I am a good husband
A great dad
A fair preacher
And a wanna-be poet
And I take credit for none of it

Who left me broken?
Well, I guess it was me the first time
I broke under the weight of my sin

But it was Jesus that broke me free

How does being broken make me feel?

The first time sucked rocks
But it woke me up

The second time is awesome
I have joy
Peace
Purpose
Love
And hope

Not by my own power, but by His
My only regret about being broken
Is that it didn't happen sooner

Judge me not for WHO I was
If you must judge me, judge me now for WHOSE I am

Learn more about this author, Rev. R. D. Brown.
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