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Most people wake up from a nightmare thanking God it was only a dream, that no matter what they were dreaming of it is only in their head. Maybe it was from a TV show they watched or a conversation they had with a friend the day before. I wake up and start the day hoping that it is a nightmare, hoping I wake up to the sound of my sons feeding pump, or the sound of his oxygen machine giving him the necessary oxygen to keep him safe through the night. But it doesn't happen that way, I always wake up and it's the same thing just something in my head, a memory of the sounds that I heard for so many months and I come to the realization every day that he is gone and won't be back.

Its interesting how that before something tragic like this happens to you you don't really pay any attention to it. Even when you read it in the paper or see it on television that someone's child died you don't spend much time if any thinking about it. You think to yourself "that's so sad" but you inevitably go about your day and soon forget all about it. That changed for me, now I find myself tearing up over someone else and the grief they go through when I hear about another lost child. I know what they are thinking, what they feel. I know that everyday for the rest of their life they will wonder if they could have done something differently, something that would have saved their precious child's life. I know because I think about this every day since Jacob passed away. I find myself wondering if it would have been differently if I would have taken him to one more specialist, or tried one more medication. Everyone tells you that you did everything you could have done, you gave him a loving home and did everything the doctors told you, but it doesn't really matter because I don't know if I believe them.
Maybe there was nothing more I could have done, but who really knows that, I know I don't and I know that no one else does either. It's just something people say to make you feel better. I replay that morning in my head over and over again, asking myself would he still be here if we would have tried this or that. May be if he got to the hospital sooner he would be here. And why did I let the doctors talk me into something that didn't feel right in my heart.
When Jake went into septic shock in 2006 I whispered in his ear that I would always protect him, that I would never let anything hurt him again. I told him I needed him to come home so I could hold

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