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The seriousness of accusing your spouse of cheating when it hasn't happened can't be overstated. This mind-numbing situation feels like the beginning of the end, or so it would seem at the time. When it's been a wrong assumption, the accuser feels guilty, and the accused is devastated.

This happened to a couple I know recently. After being married for over 40 years, she was sure he was cheating. She had all the signs accounted for, all the symptoms assured in her mind. There was no question, and there was no reasoning with her. Without having actually seen anything firsthand, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that her husband of all those years had found someone else. She was crushed, but was trying to put on a brave front, saying things like, "Well, now she'll have to put up with him," and "Now I'll have the house all to myself."

I knew she didn't mean any of that and that she was trying to convince herself. Early the next week, I got another phone call from the accusatory wife. Things were returning to some semblance of normalcy. She'd changed her mind about everything after he was able to account for all the red flags of her suspicion. He'd put her mind at ease. After some closer examination of the facts, she found she'd been wrong.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Well, it'll take some time because his feelings were really hurt. And I feel like such a fool. I don't know if he'll ever really forgive me for thinking he cheated. I've apologized and apologized, but I'm not sure he believes I'm really sorry."

"Have you thought about marriage counseling?" That was my instinct, because I believe in counseling as a great way to heal broken relationships.

"We already talked about it, and he's willing to go with me. We start on Thursday."

Marriage counseling, along with heartfelt apologies, patience, and understanding on both parts, is the way to get past the heartbreak of false accusations. Forgiveness is key. The priority is communication between the husband and wife, which is vital for getting mistakes corrected and forgiven. It may seem like this is enough to get through it, but it often takes professional help to get to the heart of the problem and figure out how to avoid similar mistakes in the future. A marriage with weak spots is likely to experience further difficulties down the road, and the object is to avoid the difficulties before they happen.

Apologize, communicate, fix as much as possible on your own, but see a professional marriage counselor to find out what's really causing the problems in your marriage. It will take time and your issues may not disappear as if by magic, but you will start to see improvements as you do the work it takes to get through the healing process.

Learn more about this author, G. Allendorfer Anderson, PhD.
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