by MiLa Driver

Created on: October 11, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

When I see a woman with a teenage daughter who is thriving, happy, working and in college, I can't help but be jealous. Maybe jealous isn't the word; maybe sad is more accurate. Every now and then I get a small glimpse of what it must be like to have a "normal" daughter. Today was one of those days.

I wasn't up for handling her if she was in one of her moods, so the movie theater was the perfect place to go after work. Sure enough, she started to call me. After the fourth time (yes, it was on vibrate), I turned the phone off. Afterwards, the phone showed there were no messages from her so I called her. She normally would be very irate to be unable to get a hold of me, but she nicely asked me if I'd eaten yet. We ended up cooking and eating pasta together. Normal for most families, rare for ours.

My daughter has been diagnosed with a variety of mental conditions: bipolar-ism, post traumatic stress disorder, depression. No matter what the condition actually is, the fact remains the same; it is extremely difficult to live with her as I'm sure it is to be her. Life with her is handled on an hour to hour basis. If she's having a good moment, we try to go with it. If she's having a bad moment, we all pay. Even strangers.

Yesterday we were leaving a store and started making our way towards our car. A woman in a car coming our way failed to slow down to let us cross. To me it's not a big deal, but to my daughter, it's a major negative event. As the woman drove by us, my daughter showed her the finger. I was mortified! Needless to say, going anywhere with her is a touchy matter; not knowing when, what and/or who will tick her off.

Because we have dealt with her illness for nearly four years now, she and her brother absolutely do not get along. She resents him and he resents her. It is such a whirlwind to be a part of her world. If my son decides to try to be nice to her and she's not in the right mood, she'll totally disrespect him. Even if it's a little comment to him, it is magnified 1000%. And the bickering begins. The insults are flung and the situation escalates. If my daughter decides she's going to be nice to him, he has a hard time going with it because of all the stuff that's been handed out in the past.

My husband and I frequently end up arguing because of her. I can certainly understand why some couples go their separate ways when the going gets tough. Parents are frequently pitted against each other with one parent seeing the situation one way and the other parent seeing things entirely different. Siblings are also sometimes pitted against the parents if they don't agree how the situation is being handled. Even though siblings should ideally stay out of it, it is easier said than done.

Walking on eggshells is putting it lightly. Even if we are not together, I am thinking about her and hoping she is not getting herself in trouble. Because she mostly calls in an agitated state when I am at work, the ringing phone is a huge source of stress for me. Many times I don't answer. If I do happen to answer and she is agitated, my heart starts racing and am immediately put into a sour mood. It is both the predictability AND unpredictability of her actions that is the root of my anxiety.

We don't like having people over to our house since we never know when all hell will break loose. Family members are a different story. They know the situation. Even then, it is uncomfortable and unfair to have them witness and deal with her unpredictability. So, yes, when I see what seems to be a normal family on the outside, I feel sadness for our own family. Hopefully soon we will have more normal days than turbulent days. For her sake and ours.

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