by Leslie Haasch

Created on: October 10, 2007

We've all been there. You find an old note signed "From Your Pooh Bear", or you see her on the street. She might still be a part of his life; she might be a complete and total distant memory. Regardless, you see her as the devil. The fact that she ever touched your man makes you nauseous and makes you want to give society a reason to put you on the Most Wanted list if it means you can get rid of her and this feeling you just can't shake. Your chest clenches and your brain can't stop thinking about it. And we all know what it is - it's jealousy.

"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment." - Anonymous

Jealousy doesn't mean distrust. It doesn't mean that you suspect he's messing around with his ex behind you back. And it doesn't mean you're crazy and you should start consulting that shrink your best friend swears by. All that jealousy means is that you're human. You don't want to lose the person you're with. In the back of your mind, you know that she might know every little thing about him even the way he itches his stubble every time he gets tired. You hate knowing that someone else in the world used to have that connection with him that you have with him now. But you have to remind yourself that chances are - they didn't. There's a reason he's with you now. Maybe she moved away, maybe she cheated. Maybe things just kind of ended and he never really talked to you about it. It's those loose strings that make your mind wander. When you don't know the facts, you can create the most ridiculous scenarios in your mind. It's all about trust.

If it comes to a point where you just have to know what happened to get past it and stop shooting daggers at her every time she says hi, let him know. I've been there, I've done it. I asked my boyfriend about his history with his ex, and after he gave me the gritty details (I'm lucky enough to have a guy that's willing to do that), I felt better. Not right away, but eventually. I finally knew why it ended, and how certain things she did make him hate the thought of her, but he speaks to her out of obligation to remain civil. He proceeded to tell me everything he loves about me and how he can't imagine being with anyone else.

I'm lucky. I am with a man who isn't afraid to share his feelings with me, so he's the first one to admit when he feels the nasty sting of jealousy as well. Jealousy won't always go away. Chances are, it'll hit from time to time for one reason or another. But you just have to remind yourself that you're human. And that trying to run her over with your car isn't going to make that problem go away. Use your brain to talk it out. Use your heart to love him completely. The reason you feel so strongly about his ex is because you feel so strongly for him. You're jealous for a reason. Not because you don't trust him, but because you care.

"There is never jealousy where there is not strong regard." - Washington Irving

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