by Alissa King

Created on: October 10, 2007

Dating as a single mother can be an exercise akin to navigating a mine field with a wheel-barrow. Simply getting to the point where you trust and like someone enough to go out with them the first time can be a challenge. Then there is the decision to make about when to tell them you have a child. Do you put it on the table right up front, or do you wait and get to know them a little before sharing this integral part of your life? Once you start seeing someone on a long-term basis, the question will inevitably arise: Does your new boyfriend have any desire to be a father?

As a single mother, I learned a long time ago that most people who come into my life are to some degree expendable, but my child is not. I may wonder to myself if someone likes me, but I'm not going to worry about if they like my child. The big question is, "Does my child like them?" If someone doesn't want me as part of the small family unit I belong to, than they don't really want me at all. That is alright. My decision to be a parent may not be shared by those people I am interested in; life goes on. As long as my kid and I are healthy and happy the rest of the picture will work itself out somehow.

That is a feeling that a mother needs to define clearly in her head: Children come first. If a man doesn't want to be a part of that picture, it wasn't meant to be. Your kid is the best part of you, distilled, and it's the needs of that person who must come first until they reach the age of independence. They have no choice in the matter; you are their mother come hell or high water, so you must consider your child's well being in all things. That's the choice you make when you decide to become a parent. Romance must take a back seat to your child's needs.

But that doesn't mean there is no chance for romance.

There are men, very good men, who are not only willing but honored to become a part of a bigger family picture. A man who wishes to forge a bond with both you and your child, and become part of a family should be respected and honored in every way. Do not lead this man on. Do not invite someone into your family if you are not sure how you feel about them. 'Does your boyfriend want to be a father?' Isn't the question. If he wants to be a lasting part of your life, he does. The question is this: Do you want your new boyfriend as a father to your child? Figure this out and be certain, because the pain to all individuals involved if you change your mind later on is incalculable. If you're not sure that the relationship is the real thing, then better to just walk away. That's a fact of single parenting.

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