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There is a natural tendency for people to point at the other person's behavior as the reason for the breakup of a relationship. They will say things like, "He didn't pay enough attention to me," or "She was too controlling." But in reality, we ultimately have to put the responsibility where it belongs - on ourselves. Unfortunately we often break our relationships because of the relationship, or lack of relationship, that we have with ourselves.

In our society the idea of self love is frowned upon. But if we don't have permission to love ourselves it becomes very difficult to be in long-lasting love relationships with others. It is often the case that when we lack self-love, we end up looking for others to make up for that, and provide the love we sense is missing. That sets up an impossible task for that other person. How can they ever live up to our hidden expectation? Worse, we may not even know what we expect ourselves. On top of all of this society seems to be fixated on placing blame, and the things we hear, read and watch reinforce the idea that love needs to come to us from someone else. This perpetual relationship victimhood assures we will always get exactly the same experience in every relationship we get into.

If you ever watched the HBO series "Tell Me You Love Me" you are bombarded with images of people searching for love outside of themselves. The answer offered is that if "You To Tell Me You Love Me," things will once again be okay, the way they were, or how they always should have been. Yet, how often does that really work? Apparently not often since in the U.S. almost every other marriage fails.

Without self love the love you give is just something that was modeled to you on TV, and in those relationships you observed around you as you grew up. It's not the genuine love that springs from a heart already full of love, and it's not fulfilling because it focuses on what you are getting, rather than on what you are giving. The kind of love that is fulfilling doesn't come with strings attached, it doesn't seek to change someone else, and it is unconditional. The common ache that exists in humanity's heart is for unconditional love.

Unfortunately there are few models in the world showing us this, and too many models in the world like "Tell Me You Love Me" showing us how to continue to have the same heart numbing love experiences over and over again. We always have a choice. We can dine on pain, or dine on pleasure. When we love ourselves it no longer matters if someone tells us they love us. We are already full.

Learn more about this author, Duane Craig.
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