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How do I cope with my boyfriend's ED?

Q. My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 4 years. We have a great bond and he has a good relationship with my young daughter. He is awesome with her! We are trying once again to make a go of it. But he has ALWAYS had trouble with intimacy. Once again, there is a big ZERO in the bedroom - a straight case if ED. We are both extremely attractive people and highly successful. I am beginning to wonder if he is a commitment phobe, or maybe he just wants to get back together with me because he missed my daughter! I miss a very intimate relationship and there is also another man waiting in the wings I could get it from.... (Jenni)

A. Sorry to hear about your situation, Jenni. It is difficult to give advice, or even comment on a one sided email, but the underlying message to me is that there is a lot going on ....mainly on your part, which needs to take some things into account.

The main thing which leaps at me is your focus on the men in your life while deliberately ignoring your own needs. What do YOU want Jenni, forgetting the other man you mentioned and your partner? Once you work out exactly what you want you will know whether either of the men will provide it. We do not make a relationship based on the needs of anyone else except ourselves, especially the notion that staying together for the kid's sake is a great idea. It puts the burden of a relationship on a little child who soon senses it and becomes resentful and it also teaches them questionable and dishonest ethics about dealing with their own relationships.

Once you sort out what matters to you as top priority in your relationship, you will know whether it is there or not whenever you meet anyone. Maybe the problem in the bedroom comes not from the other person's disability to deliver but because sex is being focused upon to the detriment of other things which are equally important. There is ALWAYS a connection between poor, or non-existent, bedroom performance and other aspects of the relationship and we ignore them at our peril.

Your guy is either unhappy with you, is not attracted to you anymore, feels badly about other parts of the friendship, resents your success and confidence or feels inadequate with you, as though he is being constantly judged on his performance instead of being loved. But sex cannot be divorced from love. It has to be an integral part of it and your email does not mention the word from your perspective. So is there any real love between you? Are you just using each other? Because good sex can never function in a purely utilitarian mode. You said he told you he loved you. Did you affirm him in return or just accepted it? Otherwise love would look pretty one-sided and he would sense that, which would then affect the sex in a vicious circle.

It is perhaps time to stop suggesting anything to your boyfriend and start working out his true meaning to your life, what YOU want from life itself and what matters to you. The quizzes on my website might be of value as a starting point to helping you to understand the discrepancy between you and your partner, especially the love match ones (www.elainesden.org). We cannot sort out others before we sort ourself so the key is to work out who Jenni is, what she really wants in her love life and where she is heading. I guarantee you that this knowledge will then draw only the people you really want into your life because those who are not suitable you will spot a mile off instead of just fitting in with what someone else requires mainly for expediency.

Learn more about this author, Elaine Sihera.
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