Fighting the Reality of Disease
Part I of V
The First Diagnosis:
About 15 years ago, I learned I had Lupus. The doctor stated at the time it was a very hard disease to actually diagnose, and then once you find you have it, it is hard to treat. Up until this year, I had denied the reality of me having Lupus. I would not succumb to something I could not see, hear, touch, or smell. I did not want to be treated as if I was weak, not as strong physically and mentally to conquer whatever came my way. Growing up with knee problems, I already felt handicapped in many ways as I couldn't run like other kids, and many of the normal activities done by adults were extremely hard, if not down right painful. Admitting I had a real disease was not an option for me.

Misinformation:
Four years ago I was hospitalized with blood clots. At the time, the treating physician stated she found no Lupus, but did find I had Factor V Leiden. This is a rare blood disease which causes the blood to clot more than average. I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Having the physician state Lupus did not show up on her tests, reaffirmed my position of denial. I have since found out this is a common problem. Hence the poster:

Fighting the Reality of Disease
Part II of V
Me, a Leper?
For a period of time, I continued in denial. It was just easier this way, and I was dating. I had a very real fear of suitors finding out I had Lupus and then treating me as a leper. I did not want to be shunned, since Lupus is not contagious, yet I also didn't want to share in my pain fears either. During this time I met a very nice woman who had Lupus as well. Once we had an afternoon to chat, with no interruptions, I found she had many of the symptoms I did, and some I did not. At the end of our conversation, I remember feeling very sad for her, but did not personalize any of what we had shared.

The First Smack in the Face:
This last year I have discovered there is no hiding from something which grows, and is determinate on your life's activities, including my daily job.

As a Paralegal I must spend many hours at the computer, typing, researching, and reading off the screen. At night, when I had to type all day preparing pleadings, my fingers would hurt so bad, it would take two or three days for the pain to subside, and this was only if I didn't have to go back the next day and continue typing for hours. My fingers would feel like they were crimping

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