The Word(s)on Reviewing a Book.

I have read multitudes of book reviews (thus reviewers) over the years and created this fool-proof, 5-point program for writing a solid book review.

One Word: Sharpie. Have someone black-out the author's name before they give you the book. No-one can write an objective book review if they know (or don't know the author). if the author is well-known and you have read another of their works, Bill O'Reilly for instance, you have already disqualified yourself from being fair and un-biased. Words provoke feelings in a person and t his is why we all love reading. So how can we think to sit unmoved one way or another when we read little simple words like "King" or "JK?" Most book critics do a spit-take when handed the newest glossy-jacketed James Patterson and "who knows who" pairing.

Two Words: Bath Scale. Pull out your trusty (and hated) diet tool and slap the book on top of it. Now, write down the weight of the book to the nearest pound. Take the height and width dimensions in inches and add them together. Multiply the weight of the book by this number. Now, the most important part of the equation: Find the picture of the author and come up with it's size in square inches (multiply the height by width). If the second number is larger than the first, the book is pompous, a vanity piece, and all about the writer's ego. If the first number is larger, then the
work is serious, humble and all about the craft. That simple.

Three Words: Kill Some Characters. All of us love lots of interesting, mournful, eclectic, or sadistic characters. If you killed off half of them, would the book still be any good? Kill off a few more. Just ignore them altogether. Would the words stand the test. Would the writing show the book to still be worthwhile? If it made almost no sense at all, would you find yourself saying good things? Bad things? It can clear the way to focusing on the whys and whats that really are the backbone for your review.

Four Words: Movie in the Making? Admit it, anytime you read a book you see it visually. Can you just see what is happening in the book up on the big screen? When you are reading about the protagonist have you already cast just the right actor into the role? Do you ever read a book and it inspires you to want to become a movie director, just so the story could be shown to the world in the best, possible way? And if the book inspires you in no such way? Well, I guess you have your reviews already. Just write it all down.

Five Words: Throw Away Your College Degree. OK, not really. But, the thing people hate about reviewers more than anything else is their pious, academia-tinged attitude. You don't need to play dumb or pander, but don't use your reviewing opportunities to advance yourself or your personal agenda. People know. Just put your heart and your knowledge to the good work of helping others find just the right book.

And that's the final word.

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