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The idea of retaining dignity while grieving, of keeping up appearances and not losing your composure, is to repress the very emotions that grieving helps to ease. Grief is a necessary part of dealing with loss. As human beings we grieve the loss of loved ones, pets, jobs, material possessions, ways of life, and cultural figures. It is a part of our emotional attachment to what surrounds us, what makes us human.

The loss of a child is especially difficult as it is a deviation from the expected norm of loss. Allowing enough time and space to properly grieve is necessary to move on from the experience.

In 1999, my brother died in a car accident at the age of 17. It put us all into a state of shock. Life took on a surreal quality, a dream we all waited to wake from. I had through most of my teen years strived to be stoic, seemingly unaffected emotionally by my environment. It had been my way of making it through those years as an eccentric, less ammunition for those around me to use against my already strange ways. The grief of losing my brother stripped that out of me. It took a couple of days before it really hit me and I broke down into hysterics. There is a psychological dam some of us put up and after a while the flood gates must open to save us. I spent a year in unintentional mourning. I was depressed, reclusive, unable to concentrate, self destructive, and confused. I refused to talk to anyone about the loss even when I had nightmares and was failing college. I was trying to keep my dignity. I didn't want to be "the girl who lost her brother". Yet it was the only thing on my mind. The pride of being able to handle things on my own actually undermined my efforts and made it worse. After the first year things started improving, I had accepted a lot of what had happened and found ways to circumvent my pride and let the emotions out.

My mother, on the other hand, found support groups for parents who had lost children. She talked openly about how she felt. She cried with my sister and other family members. She went to the doctor to discuss physical symptoms of the grief. She was present in the now while I wandered in the past. Everyone commented on how strong she was and were impressed with the dignity she exhibited. We were, and still oftentimes are, saddened by the loss. But she did not break. She did not lose anything else that matters in the process of grieving her son. That is where the dignity lies.

My advice, both from education and experience, is to accept the grief. Find others you can talk to, or write it out if that is a difficult thing for you to do. Cry, blubber, weep, curse the skyallow yourself to feel better. Dignity is coming out of the grief a whole person, not in maintaining appearances. Deal with the physical and psychological symptoms of your loss, and if you know someone who has experienced a loss, simply be a shoulder to lean on. There is no shame in remembering a loved ones life with tears in your eyes. They would want you to go on.

Learn more about this author, Alicia M Prater PhD.
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