by Elyse Williams

Created on: October 03, 2007

I've been divorced 7 years and separated for 8. My son was 11 and my daughter was 13 when I officially moved to a townhouse and assumed the role of a single parent. Fortunately, my children accepted the fact that their dad and I were ultimately getting a divorce. Unfortunately for me, I may have previously taken for granted much of what their dad contributed to the day to day caring and feeding of our offspring.

The first emotion that a single parent may ultimately feel is one of guilt. We want to compensate for the fact that (both parents) (mom) (dad) failed in the marriage. As a newly single parent at the time, I did not want my children to have to sacrifice anything- yet at the same time it was imminent that things would have to change. Even their living quarters were considerably downsized, as was my income.

Guilt loomed over me like a dark cloud. I couldn't escape it. I am not an extremely confident person coupled with the fact that I had feelings of failure and a resulting lack of self esteem. With all this going on, sometimes I wondered how I stayed sane! And perhaps, I still wonder if I am completely sane, however I managed to focus my efforts on giving my children all I could, not just financially but also emotionally.

Finding confidence when there are so many other factors is difficult enough- but when you are a single parent and you can't seem to find that elusive "How to raise Kids when you are a single parent" manual, gaining confidence is virtually impossible. You consistently have to use one of your hands to pat yourself on the back, while the other hand is cooking dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework or tucking your child in bed. Obviously, our children aren't going to do much to tell us that we are doing a great job so we need to seek guidance from friends or family. Even that can be difficult, because some friends and/or family just have never been in the situation.

I don't know how much advice or input I can give on finding confidence needed to be a single parent. How much confidence is needed? Is the actual confidence needed or do we just need to APPEAR confident? Sometimes, if you are a good actor, that might be enough to overcome any situation. If you are overly confident, that's not great either because then you can't realistically accept your mistakes. I suppose there is a certain confidence level that we need to maintain, however we want to maintain it.

I feel that the best way to "find" this confidence is to make a very simple realization and confession- you do the best you can with the situation that you face. Don't beat yourself up over the mistakes that can't be corrected- learn from them and go forward. Know your kids will eventually understand and love and respect you for all that you can do- and there is always that "things could be worse" perspective. Don't look back on what could have been done differently or if you had more money, or a bigger house, or a better job, or even a mate.

Hold your head up- you are doing OK. Find confidence within yourself. Focus on the positives.

My two kids are now 18 and 20. They are both in college and doing very well. They have grown to be mature and reasonable young adults. They are strong and independent, neither has ever been arrested, and they are both extremely good students. All in all, I must have been doing something right. Although it took a number of years- I can look back with pride and be confident in the fact that I was moving in the right direction all along!

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